I Should B Used to This

 I Should B Used to This…

I should be used to how life continues to throw us curveballs and challenges  

J is truly a miracle. After years of fertility treatments during a break to save money for IUI/IVF we were lucky to get pregnant naturally with him. The pregnancy was hard many times went to hospital for various things either for me or him. He was born at 39.5 weeks at almost 11 pounds via C-section. He spent 7 days in the nicu due to breathing issues, oxygen levels, heart flap thing (I am terrible at remembering the official names for things) etc. but things generally were okay and then released home. He then had torticollis and needed physical therapy as a baby. Next, it was anaphylactic reaction to eggs during a cake smash at 11 months which resulted in discovering so many food allergies. He thankfully tested out of anaphylactic and all food allergies around the age of three. Next chronic ear infections leading to tubes. Then the behaviors and neurological stuff began. Autism, ADHD, Anxiety, OCD and treatments and navigating it all became the new normal and we continue to navigate it now but are in a good place and “stable”. 

That brings us to the present…

Last week (Friday) at day camp a bunch of the kids (including him) rushed a camp counselor to give goodbye hugs as it was their last day. As can happen, the group all fell to the ground. J had a few bumps and bruises but nothing that needed first aid or anything. By that Sunday his nose had gotten extremely red and swollen and some areas darker. I thought perhaps he sprained his nose or broke a blood vessel or maybe even broken it even though he was not complaining of any pain. I had him put an ice pack on it. By Sunday afternoon it was draining yellow puss and was warm to touch. I immediately knew this is an infection and he needed to go to the pediatrician for sure. I called Monday morning and got him an appointment same day. We go and the doctor agrees it is infected. I shared this place on his nose that was draining has always been there since he was born and would drain clear fluid but had never acted like this before. She asked why it was never mentioned to a doctor. I said I did bring it up at his first pediatrician appointment and again at his 16 month appointment and was told both times by his retired pediatrician it was just an extra tear duct and nothing to worry about. So, for years it has drained and for years we never mentioned it again. Her face said it all, this was not it and it is concerning. She said we should see an ENT swiftly (that is a serious word in her practice and I know it). I got him in to an ENT within two days. The ENT was also taken aback by retired pediatrician’s diagnosis and said extra tear ducts are not a thing. At this point I’m still thinking he had a broken nose or infected broken blood vessel…i was NOT READY for what was to come next. I WAS NOT READY to hear this alone (husband was not with us). Not ready guys…

He has an extremely rare congenital birth condition called Nasal Dermoid Cyst that she believes connects to his brain which means it is also a Intracranial Dermoid Cyst. He needs surgery on his face and probably his brain. To determine placement, size, if it does connect to his brain, and if there is only one he will be getting MRI and CT scans with and without contrast. As he has to be still for a long time for both and need IV which none he does well with, he will need to be put under anesthesia for the scans. They are scheduled for September 8. Scan results will determine the surgery type. He will need scans annually to monitor this and make sure it does not come back. Risks to leaving it in is it will continue to grow and pressure on the brain/eyes/nerves which could be life threatening. As he has had this since birth and grown with it, his body could have been affected by it already and or grown around it. 

To say I’m overwhelmed is an understatement. I’m preparing for the worst because I don’t want to be blind sided again. I’m mad this was missed by so many doctors and I’m mad it was misdiagnosed and I’m mad I didn’t push back and I’m mad I trusted the doctor. I’m mad. I’m mad that it has been a constant fight. I’m mad that just when things feel like they are settled something else is diagnosed and it’s always been like this. I’m MAD. I’m ANGRY. I’m SCARED and there is not a damn thing I can do about any of it and it sucks and is just not fair. I feel so helpless and lost and did I mention scared?? 

If you made it this far thanks for reading. I don’t know what the future holds for our guy but I have been able to find an international online group with other parents like us. Looking through the posts and photos it is even more clear he has had this since birth. From the posts it seems that after months of recovery from surgery it looks like kids go on to live life well with annual monitoring and it is even more rare it comes back. I know other parents have it worse out there and our challenges could be worse. However, none of this changes how I feel or my worries. I feel guilty about that too. 

As of now J doesn’t understand what’s going on even though he was in the room when the doctor diagnosed and shared about the treatment plan. I’m dreading when he figures it out and or we will have to tell him. 

Bloggie world one day, I will post here with nothing but good news. However, it seems this is my place to turn when I struggle. I’m glad I have this space to lean on. 

I will share an update as soon as I’m able. Until then, be well Bloggie World. 

I Should B Running

Bloggie World, do you run? For this question I mean both literally and figuratively. This will probably not come as a complete shock to you, but I’m a runner. I run away from facing hard truths. I run towards the familiar. I run away from change. I run towards anything I can to keep me distracted. 

I ran. I ran in 2019. Mentally it started the day my mom died. As my world spiraled into the unknown I wanted to run away from it. So, I ran towards getting healthier. My mom was overweight for as long as I can remember and I decided I would not continue down that path. I would make changes immediately. So, for the rest of 2019 I threw myself into that. In October 2019 I started literally running. I would only go a day if at all of rest. I ran no matter what. Pouring rain? I ran. No sleep? I ran. Crushing grief? I ran physical pain? I still ran. I continued down this path well into 2020. In March 2020 the coronavirus pandemic began and my only reprieve was to run. I ran while crying. I ran while worried. I was so focused on not focusing on the hard stuff. I had lost 115 pounds when my leg gave out from underneath me while climbing the stairs. I shook it off. I googled what it could be. I decide to rest for six weeks. And then…I ran. I ran through the pain. I ran when my feet were falling asleep during my runs. I never stopped putting one foot in front of the other. The pain of continuing to push myself was easier to endure than the pain that I had been running from for so long. Well, I ran so much I tore the meniscus in both of my knees. I needed surgery and now the thing I leaned to the most was gone. So, I fell back to an old coping method of eating my feelings. Zero movement plus increased calories means weight gain and loss of muscle. I didn’t gain it all back. But it was half. I didn’t want to face what these injuries meant. So, I poured (ran) myself into work. This is something I actually had been doing for years but I did not realize it till much later. And that is a story for another day. 

Today, I have had knee surgery on my left knee. My right knee tear is at the root and the doctor doesn’t like the odds. So, I can’t run. I miss it for many different ways. But I loved the time I had to myself. No social media distractions or emails pulling at me. Just me and the path like old friends hanging out. 

Part of my healing is not hiding from things. Facing them and navigating it in as healthy way as possible for that moment. the things that are hard to face are piling higher than I am tall and how do you know which one to tackle first? I thought for sure I could figure it out on my own. I was wrong. So, yesterday I signed up to connect with a therapist via BetterHelp. It’s an online app where you are matched with w therapist who will message with you and meet virtually weekly. I never thought I could make time to do this. Virtual makes it easier to have access to this resource and I’m looking forward to figuring it out. 

Bloggie World…make today a good day. Find a positive in today no matter how small. ❤️

I Should B Healing

Bloggie World, I have something I need to admit to you. I forgot. I gave up. I got carried away with life and parenting and grief and more emotions and experiences than I can write about right now. I forgot to come check in to this space and with you. With social media transformation through the years I stopped reaching for this blog and instead would paint a picture to the social media world that life is all sunshine and rainbows because let’s face it, it’s easier to pretend than face the reality you are faced with. Now, things have not been all doom and gloom, but it seems when I find myself in a dark place I reach for comforts long forgotten. A quilt, I have had since childhood, a sitcom that feels like a water hug, a long sleeved oversized shirt, and this blog. Some rough stuff happened and I avoided this space. To put it out into the universe in a public and permanent way makes it seem that much more real. However, if I have learned nothing else since I last wrote here, it is you cannot hide from reality no matter how much you wish you could. 

Today, I will pour out as much as I am able to because I Should B Healing. 

To start, my husband and son are doing well. So, if you were worried about them, no worries there. 

On March 8, 2019 (International Womens Day) my life as I knew it shattered and ruptured in a way I was not ready for. It is not something I think anyone can ever truly be ready for. Perhaps you can brace yourself for the oncoming impact, but ready? No, from where I sit, I just don’t think it’s truly possible. On this day, that feels like a second ago and also a lifetime ago, my mother died in her home. She was 68 and gosh I was not ready. There is so much I would have done differently. She called me the evening before and I missed her call. When heading to bed around 11pm I saw her call and thought it’s too late to call her back, I’ll call her in the morning. I called, no answer. I texted, no reply. It was a couple hours later she would be found by my niece as nobody was able to get in touch with her and we just figured her phone died and she did not realize it, just as the many other times this happened. That call, it broke me. I never knew a guttural cry was anything I had ever truly experienced and especially not to do it myself. But I don’t know any other way to explain it. I was alone at home when I found out. I dropped to the ground and cried the hardest I ever have. Then, I picked myself up ran to the car (without shoes) and drive straight there. I thought my niece is young (20) maybe she is okay and barely holding on and she doesn’t realize it. I sobbed and hyperventilated and just prayed there was a chance. I begged whoever could hear me as I drove to just give me a chance to say goodbye to tell her things I had been too stubborn to admit to ask her things I was too scared to ask and to learn from her because life is hard and I had so much more I needed to know from her. I got out of the car, barefoot, and calmly walked to my niece. I could tell by her face it was not a mistake. I could tell from her face, she did not need a hysterical aunt. She needed someone to direct and guide not just her but the events that needed to happen next. So, I dug deep and became that person. Never in a million years did I ever think I would be trying to figure out what to do with a dead body in my mothers home especially not hers. I am thankful for Google and for others who wrote it out for me to use as a resource. So, Bloggie world, here is my contribution to that search. What do you do when you find someone has died in their home? You call the police, non-emergency line. They come out and confirm the individual has died and if there does not appear to be foul play, they leave after taking statements and documenting things. They leave you and the dead body to arrange for transport to a funeral home. There was no help with how to do this or what to do or costs etc. A coroner did not show up to remove the body magically like in NCIS. When I said I was not ready I meant it beyond emotionally and mentally. It is fuzzy a bit on if the coroner did come to her house and then gave permission to transport body, but I believe he did so while the police were still there. So I guess my contribution isn’t the best, but this is the part that stuck with me. The funeral home, which I googled for one close to where we were and called around for transport availability, comes and picks up the body. They took her straight to the funeral home. Not in a hearse. In a van. I will be honest. None of us could bear to watch the process. We waited next door on the porch. Two men showed up with this van and then took her away. I made the calls to the bank, doctors, church, utilities, etc. but…I couldn’t call her friends. I couldn’t call many family members. Not because I didn’t want to. Because nobody knew the password to her phone. We tried all we could even after obtaining the death certificate we took the phone to Apple and there was nothing anyone could do. We lost it all. All the photos and memories. All the phone numbers. All her notes to herself. Such a large part of her, I could hold it in my hands but I couldn’t access it. It chipped another layer away. My mom was an awesome lady, but she also was not prepared for this. Nothing was written down. Nothing was documented. Chicken and dumpling recipe she learned to make on the farm she grew up on as a child…gone. How best to advocate for my child as she did for me…gone. How to come back from the ashes after losing a parent…gone. What to do once she passed? Where and how to lay her to rest? We had nothing. On top of all this my sister was in hysterics for days and I helped navigate that too. It was HARD. My sister and I had different opinions on what Mom would have wanted. Mom briefly would share things here and there through the years when someone passed on a movie or in newspapers. But nothing was in writing. Handling grief and a family and a job and also navigating those choices were very hard. But we did it because she taught us that. She taught us to keep going no matter how difficult the road ahead may seem. Never stop. Never give up. It was also this that helped me navigate infertility which is what brought me back here to this space and to you  

It’s been three years and I’m still not okay. The grief, I have not truly faced. I buried it. Someone had to be the strong one. Someone had to be the rock while other people crumbled. I had a 4 year old son who needed me. So, I threw myself into that. Into being the breadwinner and provider for my family. To carry on the life my mom fought tooth and nail for. I cried only when alone. I crumble and sob while others sleep. I cry during meetings without the camera or sound on. I am still navigating this and admittedly not always doing it well. Writing this out today is my first step to trying to discover a healthier way to navigate this because not only do I need this, my mom would want me to, but I also need to be around for my son. To be the best momma I can be to him for as long as I am able and blessed to be, because tomorrow is not promised. 

I have snot pouring down my face along with tears. I am not glamorous right now. But I’m taking the first steps to healing myself and wishing I had her here to help me. 

Before I finish for today, I am going to say this. Write it down. Write it down and put it in a sealed envelope. Write out your passwords, usernames, email addresses, and other things someone would need, to be able to close the book on things, for you. Do it now, please. Think how much our phones and computers are parts of our lives. What we have there we would not want to be gone once we left. I have a paper where I wrote everything out. I put it in an envelope and sealed it and put in a fire proof lock box in our home. I plan to move it to a safety deposit box along with some other things once I am able. Please PLEASE have a plan so, those left behind do not need to wonder or guess what you would have wanted. Wonder if there is someone out there who never got notified. That second guessing is hard. Making those choices while navigating everything else that goes along with death is HARD. Do your best to write out what you are able. Even if it’s just what you don’t want to happen. It’s better than nothing. Do the hard thing now so others may not need to later. 

Also, if you have young children, get guardian documents drawn up. Nobody wants to think about this. But if you and your partner are gone, what happens to the kids? Have these conversations now while you are able. 

I know this blog has been all over the place, but that’s what things have been like for me. 2019 was the start to some very rough times ahead and navigating the following years without my mom was a curse and then a blessing in other ways too.  But that’s a story for another day. 

Bloggie World, thanks for being here. Thanks for being a place I can turn to. Not only for a place for me to have support, but also a place for people to be able to have a glimpse into pieces of my life after I’m gone. I don’t plan on that being anytime soon. Until then, I will come here and share when I’m able to. I hope my family will find joy in not only reading some of these things but also to know I had a safe place. A place to B me. ❤️

Good night Bloggie World. I’ll see you soon. 

I Should B giving back

I was trying to define a purpose for my blogging space now that Jack is 2 years old. I took time and have decided I will blog when my heart needs it about whatever the topic may be. It may be months, weeks, days or years between each posting, but I will continue to post.

When I was a child we needed to live in a type of shelter due to means beyond our control. We resided there for over a year, never leaving the walls of the facility not even for school. School was there too. It wasn't a pretty place but it is where we needed to be at that time. I am thankful for our time there.

Recently, that place has been on my mind and heart. I want to give back. The place is still around but has blossomed into a larger more equipt facility. I reached out to offer my time or my story for hope to others residing there now. I do not know what will come of it, but I hope I am able to help them as others in the past helped our family.

So, I ask this of you Bloggie World, can you give back? Is there a place that helped you and your family out throughout the years that you could offer time, money, clothes or even a stop in to say thank you?

Remember somebody out there would love for their after to be your present and all they need is hope, faith and someone to believe in them.

I Should B Grieving

It has been over a year since I last blogged. Blogging started as a place to share my feelings. A type of journal and right now that is what I need. I need to share my feelings and thoughts in a safe place. A place without judgement.

Do you have different types of best friends? I do. I have my guy best friend who is great but not someone I go to discuss the latest tampon fad. I have my longtime best friend, she is single and child-free and has been there a long time and knows A LOT. I have my online best friend(S) , someone I know I could be uber best friends with if we lived closer and I have my mom best friend. She is the best friend who is also a mom who went through pregnancy with you and birthing and baby stage and toddler stages. She is also married and understands the juggling of it all. You don't have a lot of time for each other with your schedules but when you do it is great. Your children are best friends and husbands are best friends. Mom friend and I just meld so well and we are lucky to have each other.

On Thursday morning, my mom best friend died. She was not sick and in hospice. She was at home and fine. She never woke up from her sleep. She'd broken her ankle a month ago and had surgery to put in pins then about 2/3 weeks ago was back in the hospital for an infection. She was in a lot of pain overall but we just thought it was normal. At this point we still don't know what happened.

What I do know is I am devastated and broken, which I know is nothing compared to how her husband and family feel. I KNOW this,but still I am at a loss. She and I didn't see each other too often (girls night every few months). We would frequently steal a few hours to meet at a LuLaRoe pop-up and chatty there or go line dancing or paint or play Bunco. We got to be more than moms when we hung out. She understood the importance of this better than anyone. Being a mom is great but it is important not to lose yourself too and we helped each other with that. We would message and keep in contact between our face to face fun. Our kids are 9 months apart so she would experience milestones just before me and I asked her advice.

I feel so much guilt. Like so much my body physically hurts. I feel guilty we didn't see each other more. I feel guilty I don't have more pictures. I feel guilty for still being here. I feel guilty for feeling guilty as I know her husband is experiencing so much more pain and suffering and mine must pale in comparison. I feel guilty I can't help her husband like I want to. She and I were the friends and he has his own helping him through this. I feel helpless and useless. I normally would reach out to her ask her for advice in times like these. She would give a good answer that I naturally would ignore and do the wrong thing and we would laugh about it later. Now, I don't know who to reach out to. Al lost his mother and father young. Leaning on him for this just isn't possible. She is the first person I have lost to death as an adult. I know that makes me lucky in a way but I don't feel lucky right now. I feel lost. A coworker mentioned I should "get over it" as she "knows" my friend wouldn't want me to wallow. I wanted to punch her in the throat. She never met my friend she doesn't know what she would or would not want. It hadn't even been 24 hours and they needed to STFU. I in not so many words said that while tears ran down my face. When I am busy I am better. I can keep my mind off things. But pausing causes my mind to jump start. Late at night it thinks and cycles through the "what ifs" and "should haves". It is almost 3 am and I am wide awake thinking and grieving. I am lost Bloggie World.


On another note. J is good and thriving. He will be 2 in a few weeks. He needs tubes in his ears and we meet with an ENT in Monday to schedule. I have a new job which calls for monthly travel. J has food allergies and is ANA to Eggs. He is at an amazing daycare facility and we will never move too far away because of them.

Al and I will be celebrating 4 years of marriage in just under a month but all I can think about is grief and how I don't want to leave or celebrate things this year. Our families always got together for Christmas and New Years. We'd already started talking about this years plans. Now she is gone and I am crying and broken. I know I will get up and go on for J and Al but, it isn't easy and I don't know when it'll stop hurting so much and then if it gets easier what does that mean?!? I don't want it to be easier. I don't want her memory to fade and I want her back.

Life isn't fair but this isn't new to us it's just a slap in the face reminder.

Remember Bloggie World tomorrow is not promised ❤️😢

*please excuse typos as I am crying

I Should B sharing our nursing journey

I guess I'm feeling nostalgic or something. Blog posts are flying out of me. I know J will be waking up soon so this will be the last one for today. I don't know when the next one will be bit could be days, weeks or months. But, there will be more :-)

Okay so as I mentioned before an LC never showed me how to nurse J. I asked a NICU nurse and she helped me figure it out. I could only do what is referred to as the "football hold" with him due to the IV in his head. He latched for like a millisecond and then screamed. I cried. 

I always wanted to breast feed. We had to make the decision to give him formula because my milk didn't come in quick enough and J was having sugar level problems. Our goal has always been to do what is best for the baby. So, I pumped my colostrum and they would mix it with formula. J had to be able to eat a certain amount (I can't remember the amount) before he could leave the hospital. Anyways.. Back to our nursing story. 

When we went home J had only latched for tips maybe a total of 5 times. But he had latched so I had faith. I was still pumping as much as I could to get my milk in. It came in on day 5. I was pumping into these tiny cups for colostrum and next thing I knew I had filled it up. I was so happy. The hospital had sent us home with some formula. A package that was already open of Similac they had used with J and then another package of Enfamil. During the first few days of having J home he got this awful diaper rash. I mean it was purple and ugly. When it started to bleed I called the doctor. We had been using diaper cream and it was getting worse. Well turns out J is allergic to the Enfamil formula or that is what the doctor thought. She wanted me to feed him strictly breast milk for 48 hours to make sure. Um okay that would be a challenge as he has not fully latched yet but I had my pump and was ready to do it. Anything for my baby. Three hours after this was decided I was pumping and MY PUMP BROKE! Yep that happened. And it was a Friday. The doctors office was closed. I didn't know what to do. I panicked (I have a habit of doing that if associated with J). I immediately went to my mommy after infertility board. They told me my insurance should cover a pump. What?! I didn't know that. So I called my insurance. They do cover pumps (yay) but it is a two day process. So good news is I would have a new pump. Bad news is it is the weekend. I posted my update on my mommy group and how devastated and worried I was about what to do for J. I was blessed enough that one of the mommas in the group lived nearby. She was willing to donate some of her liquid gold to help out J and I. I will forever be grateful and in debt to her for this. I honestly don't know what we would have done. The doctor was right and J was allergic to the formula. Breast is best for him. We still had the latching problem to deal with. I again went to my mommy group and again my nearby friend came to the rescue. She recommended an LC she used that lived in the area. I still wasn't able to drive and Al was already back to work. The LC actually came to my house FOR FREE and showed me what to do ( I had it all wrong) and how to help J get a better latch. She found that J had a slight lip tie. She wasn't sure if this was the cause of our struggles or if was simply that I had no clue what I was doing. Turns out it was me and he didn't need any surgery to repair it. Now we are nursing fools. Lol. In the house, in the car(while parked) at restaurants or in a store. We got this!

I am so thankful we were able to figure it all out. My supply has dipped since returning to work but with the help of milk I froze during my leave I am able to keep it up. 

We are going 7 months strong right now and hope to make it to 9 months, then 12. I will let him decide when we stop. 

Within reason of course. I won't have a teenager latching for momma milk. Lol

Have a great day Bloggie World. Happy Independence Day to my fellow Americans. J will be going to his first parade, bbq party and pool for the first time today. Today is going to be a wonderful day :-)

I Should B sharing the hospital stay

While in the hospital I wanted J to spend as little time as possible alone. Al was with him as much as possible. I will admit that I am sad that I don't have those first moments as a family pictures from the hospital. You know the ones I am talking about where the mom dad and baby squish their faces together just after birth as their first family photo. Yeah we have nothing. We don't have any family photos in the hospital. Our focus was not photos it was our baby's health and my recovery. 

Al would take pictures of J and send them to me so I could at least see what he looked like. I was not allowed out of my room until I was able to get up and in a wheelchair. I was determined to be walking ASAP. I wanted to see my baby. So 28 hours after delivery I got out of bed and walked (slowly and not too far) to the wheelchair. I got to hold my baby and that was all that mattered. 

Have any of you been in a "baby and me" room? It is a big room with space to have baby with you. At our hospital it is a n entire wing full of these rooms. They are great if you have your baby actually with you. If you were like me and your baby was on the other side of the hospital it sucks. Hearing other babies with their mothers and me being without mine was HARD. I cried A LOT. Al did a good job of keeping me updated and my sister stayed as much as she could but she had her own family to tend to. At three days after delivery they were ready to discharge me. By then I was walking to the NICU by myself (I only used the wheelchair the first two trips) multiple times a day. I was only in my room when I was forced to be (more than I liked). I discovered I am allergic to Percocet too. That was just loads of fun, not really. They were not ready to discharge J yet. His oxygen was still not good and although his heart was better they wanted more tests run. He also had to be able to breathe room air for 24 hours. Leaving the hospital without my baby is something else I never prepared myself for and I was determined to not let it happen. I discussed with the nurse how I couldn't leave him. I was an emotional wreck. Those poor people. We weren't eligible for the Ronald McDonald House since we didn't live out of county. My doctor said since my insurance would cover 4 days in the hospital I could stay one more day. I was so thankful. I think J knew it was time to get stuff done. In that last day he progressed so well. The scans of his heart came back normal and his oxygen was the best yet. They discharged me from the hospital at 4pm that fourth day. J was still in the NICU. There was no way I was leaving him. He had his own private room in the NICU (this was a fancy NICU). They put one of those hospital recliner chairs in his room and I was ready to camp there as long as I had to. The hospital is ready for moms like me. You can have meals delivered for you to the baby's room and there are lounges to go to with refreshments and snacks. Also a place to shower if need be. Was it comfortable and ideal? No, but all that mattered is I was with my baby. J's doctors came in and saw me there. I let them know I wasn't leaving. I wanted to be there I needed to know how he was doing. Honestly, I needed to be there. Al was the first face J saw. Al was there for him when I couldn't be. He changed his first diaper, gave him his first bottle with my colostrum, and was the first person he smiled at and held his hand. J and Al had a bond (and still do) that I didn't have and could ever get in that way. It should be noted that J and I do have a bond now but I will always regret not being able to be there for those firsts. I am happy and proud that Al was able to be there and that it wasn't a stranger but, still. Okay back to the NICU. J's doctors saw my determination and either I scared then or they were caring, I like to think caring. That they decided to hopefully get J discharged on day 4 too. J was discharged at 11pm. He had passed all his tests and was breathing well. Looking back I wonder if they discharged him too soon but things are okay so it all worked out. 

Remember how I mentioned I was a hard IV stick? It should be noted that J inherited this trait. While in the NICU they had an IV in his hand, arm and foot. They eventually had to place it in his head. That was not a pretty sight. His veins just are stubborn like mommy's. My IV was moved around quite a bit while in the hospital too. 

All in all the hospital stay was okay. The NICU was absolutely fantastic and I am grateful to them for teaching us how and what to do with J. Such as diaper changes, bath time and administering medicines. My experience in the "baby and me" room left me slightly traumatized. Waking up without your baby while listening to others with theirs is the worst. I can't even put the feelings into words. I also had a craptastic LC. She never showed up. My sister had to get loud (yep she is one of those) to even get me a breast pump. I had to watch a YouTube video to figure out how to use it. Nobody ever showed me how to even nurse J ! 

But none of that matter when we were headed home as a family of three. 

Hugs to you Bloggie World

I Should B sharing a birthing story

I know, I know, I haven't blogged in months. Life with a baby is exhausting and to be honest if I am not at work or with J then I am asleep. I don't want to miss any more than I already do while working. Blogging just hasn't fit in yet. #sorrynotsorry

My handsome man is 7 months old. I was just reading a birth story on another blog and I realized I never wrote mine out. I am writing this not only to share but for a memory for myself. It is 0600 and I just finished nursing him.  It has been 7 months so I hope I remember it all correctly. 

Here goes...

I had a scheduled c-section for December 1, 2014 at 8 am. Check in was at 5 am. 

Throughout the pregnancy we did not plan on a section. In fact I wanted to have a natural labor with no meds ( I think it was the hormones that had me thinking like this). My doctor office provided a free doula service and this helped me make the labor decision even easier. At about 26 weeks I was assigned a doula. Each weeks we met and went over birthing plan and my exercises and what not. The plan was to labor in as many natural positions as possible but the main focus would be to keep the baby safe. At all costs make sure he is okay. So around 34 weeks the doctor let me know baby was breech. He said that babies have been known to turn this late in the game but due to baby's size it might be difficult. Doctor told me I should prepare myself for the possibility of a section. I immediately contacted my doula and she gave me exercises to help flip him. They didn't work. I did them for weeks and mostly I was just frustrated and had a headache (a lot of the exercises had me inverted with my head down). At 36w1d we went to Disney to see the Osborne Christmas lights. 

I was VERY pregnant and hurting but I love Christmas and knew this might be my last time I could go for a long time. I refused a wheelchair and waddled my way through the park and to be honest lots and lots of discomfort. I should also mention I had just worked a full eight hour shift before going to the park. We went to watch the fireworks (another of my favorite things) at Epcot (lights were at Hollywood Studios). While standing there watching the fireworks I felt this God awful pain and seriously felt like I was dying for a second. Then it mostly went away. I was hurting and finally accepted a wheelchair from a cast member. DH wheeled me to the car I was feeling pretty awful but was in good spirits. I know what you are thinking, you think I went into labor with all that walking and then the fireworks and the pain. But nope, turns out the pain was just baby boy turning around. So now he was no longer breech. Doctors canceled the section and said I could do normal labor. The next week at the routine ultrasound, the tech left towards the end and told me she would be back(this scared me as she has never done this before). She came back acting like everything was fine and next I saw the doctor which is routine. The doctor let me know why the tech left. She had brought the results of the ultrasound to him. Turns out that while baby was no longer breech he was measuring over ten pounds. Doctor explained that since I had GD this can lead to a larger baby in some women and I was one of the lucky ones. He explained that with a large baby there are complications that can happen to both mother and baby. Baby could potentially get his shoulders stuck or even break a collarbone. The plan had always been to keep baby safe. So doctor offered a section as is standard for anyone with a baby measuring over ten pounds. We accepted. So now the section was back on. The day after Thanksgiving was to be my last ultrasound (I had to have them weekly). Being that this is a holiday (Black Friday) at my doctors office, I had to go to the hospital to have it done. We spent A LOT of time in there. I think like thirty minutes. I mean I appreciated the extra time but I had a feeling something was up. I even asked the tech multiple times what was going on. Her reply was "just watching the baby". She finally stopped and sai I should wait there as she printed the results and they print in a different room so she had to go grab them. As soon as she left I told DH something was wrong. He being Mr. Calm all the time said everything was fine and that it is jprobably just how they do things at the hospital. Well she came back with some papers in her hands and said "I need you to follow me over to L&D". Ummm WHAT?!? I kept asking what was happening and she kept saying "just stay calm and follow me. I can't discuss it in the hallway due to HIPPA". Okay I accepted this but was terrified. It should be noted that my anxiety during the pregnancy got so bad I was put on a very low dose of Buspar. This situation was not helping my anxiety. So I got to L&D they checked me in have me a room then handed me these special wipes and told me I had to use them and to read the instructions before use and get in gowns. Mind you I still had no idea what was happening and had just been told to prep my body for surgery. I was terrified but did as they told me. They also brought in a white paper outfit for DH. Shit just got real people !! I kept asking what was happening and I was told to wait for the doctor. They had me and baby on monitors asap. The doctor finally came in at what felt like hours (probably more like 15 minutes) later. She let me know there was a concern with the baby's heart rhythm. We knew he had a slight murmur (we found that at around 30 weeks) but they always said it wasn't too bad (also another reason we chose a section).  Well they didn't like what they saw. They wanted to take the baby today if it didn't balance out soon. So, they started prepping me for surgery and asked me when I had last eaten. I had eaten right before the ultrasound and this gave them some pause. For a section you need to have not eaten for at least eight hours and it had only been like one at this point. So, they said we needed to wait it out. So we sat there on monitors and waited for three more hours. The whole time baby and I were being monitored. The doctor came in and said " I have good news for you. There will be no baby today". Umm wait what?!? She said while we were waiting the baby's heart rate had evened out enough that they didn't want to take him. She said that since I already had a section scheduled for Monday that they were comfortable letting us go home. Yeah I was confused and super worried but they assured me all was fine. So, home we went. I was scheduled to work on Sunday and I did. I worked a full shift the day before baby was to arrive. I have no clue how I managed to work full-time throughout the entire pregnancy but I did. 

Monday morning we woke up at 5 to get to check in by 7. My check in time was pushed back and I can't remember why. We got to the hospital on time and checked in and prepped. I called my doula to let her know we were there. She was still going to be there to be the go between of us and staff. To make sure skin to skin happened and a delayed cord cutting. Also to make sure no students touched me or the baby. We were delivering at a learning hospital. I was okay with observation just not touching us. Go learn on someone else's baby but not my first born that I waited what seemed like a lifetime for. So again I use the wipes and DH gets the paper outfit. I was surprisingly calm. DH on the other hand was a hot freaking mess. Poor thing was so nervous. He had to keep running to bathroom as his stomach wasn't doing too well. He has a problem with hospitals and the idea of having to see me get cut open and be in the room was a bit much for him but he was determined to do it. Plus, I was adamant that he be there. So time arrived for me to be wheeled in to the OR. DH had to wait outside the OR till they got me all prepped and laid out on the table. I had no idea what to expect. I had never been in an OR before. It was a really bright room with a lot of people in it and this tiny table. It probably wasn't too tiny but compared to the hospital bed it looked like a doll bed. I even asked were they sure it could hold me as I was huge. They assured me it could hold like 500lbs and I was no where near that. I was nervous about being naked in front of all these people. I mean I don't go around showing my nakedness to strangers and especially not my pregnant nakedness. I softly mentioned this to the nurse and she calmed me down and explained it is normal and that they aren't even paying attention to my nakedness and are focused on the medical stand point. It calmed me down but now looking back I'm sure it was just a bunch of bs to get me to calm down. I am sure someone thought in their head that I had too many stretch marks. Lol. So the anesthesiologist intern came in and asked me some questions and wanted to explain the procedure. She asked if I have ever had any trauma to my back. I actually had a ceiling collapse on me in 2003. She got this worried look on her face and said she would be right back. The official anesthesiologist came in to ask more about this. I explained how I always have back pain and the history of the pain shots and what not from that time. He was quite concerned about this and wanted to know if they had a copy of my scans. Ummm no they didn't since nobody had ever asked me this stuff before. Apparently someone was supposed to ask me this when the section was scheduled. They didn't. The anesthesiologist said he wanted to put his finger where the needle would be going and to let him know what I felt. I could feel it all the way to my toes. It was super sensitive and hurt enough that I flinched. He immediately told me that he would not risk damaging my back anymore than it already is and that my reaction was extremely concerning. I would have to be put completely under for the section. To say I had a nervous breakdown would be putting it lightly. I am embarrassed to say I began sobbing so hard I almost fell off the table. My blood pressure spiked and I was shaking all over. Basically I was terrified. I was terrified of being put under but also being alone. They don't allow anyone in the room if you are all the way under. This meant no DH and no doula. I couldn't even talk to them to say goodbye or anything. What if something went wrong? What if I died?!? Yep total freak out and panic attack happened. The anesthesiologist intern was so nice and talked and calmed me done. She reminded me that this was best for baby and for me to be a good mother. Better to be safe than sorry. She continued to talk and keep me as calm as I could be while they put in the catheter and IV. The IV wasn't easy as I am a difficult stick and my veins blow quick. They put in a gauge that the anesthesiologist didn't like so they had to change it. I had an oxygen mask on and they told me to start counting backwards. Just as I was getting to 8 they tied my arms to the table and I was terrified all over again. Why am I being restrained?!? That is my last memory before waking up. 

I woke up in post-op to a cool cloth on my face. It was my sister (I was quite surprised to see her) with my doula standing next to her. We told family to stay away and that we (DH and I) wanted the first hours as a family of three to be a bonding time for us. We would let them know when we were ready. My sister didn't listen and I will forever be grateful to her. DH was no where in site and where was my baby!?! My sister explained that the baby was in the NICU and Al was with him. What do you mean my baby is in the NICU??!? I was to have a big boy. This means a big strong boy. I did not prepare myself in the slightest to have any NICU time. I still don't know how my sister ended up by my bed. I should ask her one day. I am assuming some coordinating happened after they told Al he had to wait outside the OR. Well once I was to be moved to a "baby and me" room they wheeled me by the NICU (I don't remember this but this is what my sister tells me) and I got to see my baby through tubes and a window. I was heavily medicated. My sister stayed with me. Thank God for her! I had no clue still what was happening with J. I asked her to go check. She went to the NICU and Al came back to let me know what was going on. J was born at 10:04 am measuring 10 lbs 12 oz and 21.5 inches. J had very low oxygen levels, heart murmur, and inconsistent temperature. Apparently they rushed him straight to the NICU as soon as he was out. I am still foggy on the details and Al can't recall them the best either as it was a rush and then there were tubes, oxygen and monitoring happening with J.  I finally got to hold J 28 hours after he was born (there is a picture but it is such an intimate and special moment that I don't want to share it on the inter webs). He was covered in wires and I am in a wheelchair with IVs in both hands and my hair is a hot mess. It will always be a cherished photo. 

I realize this post is so long I should have spilt it up but too late now. I will end it here and write about the rest of the hospital time in another post. 

For anyone reading (do I still have any followers?), thank you Bloggie World. 

I Should B Providing An Update

Bloggie world, I apologize for being MIA but I hope you can understand. I have been soaking up as much time with my little guy as I could before going back to work. 

Here is an update. 

Handsome was discharged from the NICU 5 hours after I was discharged from the hospital with a clean bill of health. 

Since being released he has had a few bumps in the road and we are still climbing over a few. He has a clogged tear duct which, we hope to see clear up on its own. He has a slight case of Ezema. His cradle cap is super bad and looks awful. He has Torticollis for which he goes to physical therapy for twice a week. Also, he has a flat spot on the left side of his head. We (Dr, PT&us) are trying all we can to kick that flat spot to the curb so we can prevent the need for a helmet. He also has acid reflux and is on medication for that. All in all it could be worse so we just count our blessings. 

Handsome man is now a champ at breastfeeding. We had a rocky start but being that he is 16 pounds at 12 weeks, I'd say he is eating well. He eats every 4 hours approximately 5 ounces each time. He has slept for 5 hours the last four nights ( this is like a mini miracle). He has also slept in his crib 92% of the time since coming home. 

I got him up from his nap and he was almost completely rolled over. His hips and legs were rolled completely over and he was on his side shoulder. Looks like he will be rolling completely over in no time and I am so not ready for that :-/

This week we will be moving to a slightly larger place that will allow handsome guy to have his own room. I am not looking forward to moving with a 2 month old but am happy to be able to provide our son with his own space finally. 

I go back to work in a week...

I must now go feed my handsome man and get some packing done. 

Have a blessed day Bloggie World

I Should B holding on and never letting go.

I fully intend to hold on, but I will let go...when he is 30...maybe. :-)

Here is our big guy. 

Born 12/01/2014 weighing 10lbs 12oz and 21.5 inches long. 

He is awesome and I just couldn't love him more! 

He is spending some time in the NICU and hopefully will be discharged from the hospital right along with me tomorrow. 

Bloggie world I love my son. 

I Should B ready

It's been awhile. 

Sorry about that. 

My sister is recovering well. My mother had her knee replacement surgery yesterday and is in recovery. 

I am 37 weeks pregnant today and am REALLY feeling it. I feel guilty complaining but gosh I am ready to not be pregnant anymore. 

My boy is already measuring just past 40 weeks. I lovingly refer to him as my Chunka Monk (Chunky Monkey). 

I am battling my gestational diabetes, overall swelling, chronic hyper tension, anxiety, lots of round ligament pain and I managed to catch my husbands nasty cold flu that has my throat swollen. 

So yep I'm ready to meet mister Chunka. 

He was breech until Monday and is now bouncing between head down and sideways. I am scheduled for an induction on December 1st at 8am. 

I would have loved for it to have been Novemeber 29th (my late MILs birthday) but they would not allow it since it is a "holiday weekend". 

My last day of work will be Thankgiving Day (Novemeber 27). I am trying to work everyday between now and then so I can have one last decent paycheck before my unpaid maternity leave starts. 

It really stinks that us Americans do not get paid for maternity leave. I hope in the future to see this change. 

Finances are a constant worry for me. My DH keeps the mind set of "it'll all work itself out". I don't know how he does it. Faith in the unknown has always been difficult for me. I fear it always will be. My type A personality cannot seem to let go of the need to plan and control things. I know once Chunka gets here it'll be inevitable that it'll have to happen. Hopefully you'll stick around to watch it all unfold and I'll remember to share it all. :-)

Bloggie World this post is all over the place, which is fitting because that is how my mind seems to work these days. 

I Should B jumping for joy

Her surgery was a success!! 

I would be jumping for joy but being 30weeks along might make that difficult. 

She is still at the hospital recovering but the doctors are hopeful for a full recovery. 

Oh and she can walk! No paralysis:-)

Admittedly all this stress has not been well for me and the baby. I was experiencing severe anxiety and panic attacks from being overwhelmed. I am now on an anxiety medication and I think I should've spoken up sooner to my doctor. While I still have hormone flare ups, it is no where near where it was. Here I thought I was just getting a big dose of pregnancy hormones. Lol. 

Baby boy is doing good. At my last appointment I was 28w6d and he was  measuring 31w2d. So who know if he will be coming early. 

I have another appointment this Friday along with maternity pictures and meeting my doula. AND this Sunday is the baby shower :-)

Lots of good things going on this week. 

Have a wonderful day Bloggie world

I Should B less angry

Okay so things have not gotten better. 

My sister was admitted to the hospital on Saturday and is scheduled for open chest (to avoid spinal area and limit chances if paralysis) surgery on Thursday. 

This is not how things were supposed to happen. She was supposed to start radiation treatment this coming week. 

Luckily she told her children on Friday so they were not in total shock. 

My sister did not tell me about her being admitted to the hospital until yesterday. She said it was to not worry me or the baby. Ugh ! Why in the world does she think like this?!? I am her medical proxy I HAVE to be informed. She just doesn't seem to comprehend this. 

So the last two days I have gone to the hospital to go over things and hang out after I get out of work. 

I am angry at my family and at this entire unfair situation. 

My mother brought my sisters children to the hospital to see her. On the way she bought the kids dinner. After their visit was over she had the nerve to ask for money from my sister to remburse her for gas/food/parking monies that she spent. WTF?!? I know that it was maybe $30 total. I know my mother has some money. And why in the world is this amount of money so important when her daughter is having open chest surgery in a few days?!? Why in the world can't she stop thinking of herself for a minute and focus on the fact that her 36 year old daughter is laying in a hospital bed?!?

Then there is my niece. She is 15. This week is homecoming week. Homecoming is on Saturday. She had a date who canceled on her after finding out his parents are getting a divorce. He told her he just didn't feel up to going and wanted to spend time with the family. You would think her world is over, nope. She called me today wanting to know if I can take her to get her nails done in Friday. Umm how bout you stop thinking of yourself for one minute and think about your only mother going into surgery she may not live through?!? There are other dances. You only have one mother!!! And while we are at it how about you actually come home after school like you are supposed to and help around the house? 

I just cannot comprehend why nobody else wants to spend time with my sister. Will this be the end for her? No, I don't think so. But dang what if it is?? 

Then, my DH tells me he will be at a buddies house to watch football on Thursday. He said, " if you think I need to be at the hospital let me know." Hmmm let's see, your pregnant wife's sister is having major surgery and God forbid something should go wrong but gee she might need you support... Why would he not think of this?!?! It is just a football game !!!

Why is it my responsibility to be the one to decide who should or should not be there?? Everyone should be there! Not because I said it was the right thing to do but because they WANT to be there. 

If this were DH sibling I would be there without question. 

This could be pregancy hormones talking. 

This could be fear talking. 

This could be anger talking. 

This could be love talking. 

Or

This could be all those feelings and more talking ...

Bloggie world please keep our family in your thoughts this week and appreciate yours. 

I Should B hoping the odds are ever in our favor

I haven't blogged. Blogging just hasn't been something that has been in the forefront of my mind. I apologize for this but I know you all can understand. I started this blog to help me deal with a crappy situation and share my feelings and emotions in a safe place. 

Today I blog to get all my emotions out about a crappy situation that I am trying to not overwhelm and drown me. 

Before I go further, baby boy and I are fine. I am high risk with gestational diabetes and 27w3d. 

This post is about my sister. 

Since my last post there has not been too much to update. I have not been able to attend appointments with her as I now have a day shift full time job and have to attend my own appointments. About 2 hours ago, I called her for our normal weekly chats. She said she had stuff to update me on. She started with that she has not been telling things for fear on how it would affect me and the baby. This upsets me because I'm not overly fragile and it is easier to hear a little at a time then have it all thrown at you. Well she threw it at me today...

She has radiation treatment coming up and a scan. They fear the cancer has spread further as she is losing feeling on her right side. She has been given a TEN PERCENT chance of coming out of the surgery to remove the current tumor and not be paralyzed. That is not a high number. I am her person to decide things for her once she is under and until she wakes up. Today she sobbed and cried at me that if she comes out of surgery paralyzed to not let her live as that is not a life she wants. I know it doesn't work like that unless her brain function is affected too but to hear my sister ask this of me is breaking me. She lives to be active and outdoors. I know if she were paralyzed it would be awful but at least she would still be here. I explained the legal stuff of how it all works but I'm still in shock. 

She wants to prolong the surgery so she can be around for little guys birth. No matter what there will never be a good time for this. 

I am still prosessing. I am sorry I am not writing happy things and only update when I am overwhelmed. This is my overwhelmed let out place. 

I will do my best to keep at this blogging stuff. 

Please pray that the odds are in her favor. 

Hug your loved ones Bloggie world and have a good night

I Should B lowering my pulse

Well, a lot as happened since my last post. Which is why this is a long post. 

 As of right now I am 16w1d. 

I mention in the beginning of the pregnancy that I did not have insurance. As of 14w the insurance began from my employer. I was so excited because then I could switch doctor's offices. 

That did not go as planned. I was denied entry into two different offices because I was " too far along". I was in shock! I'd never heard of this happening. I cried for so long and thenI had to "suck it up buttercup" (as my niece would say). I contacted a few other places and was told the same thing. Basically nobody wanted to accept me after 12w. UGH! 

I thought it was all my fault and blamed myself.

 Well along with blame comes stress and with stress comes (for me) and elevated pulse,129 to be exact. My blood pressure was good but that darn pulse hasn't dropped below a 100 too often since then. Their (doctor I am actually going to) advice was to be less stressed and calm down. 

I was calmer. 

Until yesterday. 

Yesterday was our gender reveal ultrasound. It showed we are having A BOY!! We are both excited and my husband has not stopped beaming since we found out. 

I know you are wondering how knowing the gender could stress us out. It isn't and hasn't stressed us out. 

After the gender reveal my sister asked for a few minutes of my time. I was anticipating her volunteering to purchase a big ticket item from a registry or something. 

How I WISH I had been right. 

I wasn't. 

She handed me some paperwork from a hospital. I wish I couldn't read. 

The doctors have found another tumor. It is the size of a golf ball and on her T4 vertebrae. She had actually been in the hospital for a few days and got out just to come for the gender reveal. 

I can't breathe. 

We thought she had beat this. The family has been hiding this from me so I could have "my day". 

My heart is breaking. 

The spine is nothing the mess around with. If she is lucky that it is a benign tumor it still has to be removed as it is affecting the fluid from her spine properly getting to other parts of her body. This has also affected her heart which is beating abnormally and the doctors are monitoring closely. 

I feel like a piece of me is dying. 

She told me because I am her person. With the last(and first) bout of cancer it was in her ovaries and they did a full hysterectomy on Christmas Eve. I am her person. I am listed to make medical decisions for her in the end. I am her person that will get custody of her children should anything go wrong. 

I am her person. 

I am freaking out. 

During the last round I was not pregnant. I was strong and positive for her. 

I cried in my car almost everyday. 

I am scared my son will never know his aunt. 

I AM TERRIFIED that I will not have my sister around to teach me things a first mother needs her big sister for. 

I need my sister. 

I am pregnant and am a ball of emotions. I have no clue how I am going to be strong for her when all I can think about is our family being crushed by this. 

How am I to keep my pulse down?

How will this affect the baby. 

I feel so selfish thinking these things but I must, for my son. 

The pesky insurance/doctor problem it had feels like a million years ago and so trivial. 

It is all still sinking in. 

We are having a boy. 

My sister has a tumor on her spine. 

My world is in a tilt-a-whirl. 

It is hard to figure which way is up. 

Please, if you are someone who prays, pray for my sister. She needs it. 

She deserves to see her nephew and her children grow old. 

Bloggie world, hug and cherish everything you hold dear because you never know what tomorrow brings. 

I Should B moving right along

Hello there! Long time no see. 

It is clearly all my fault but I hope you will forgive me. 

I am finally starting to embrace this pregnancy. We have made it past the 12 week mark and announced on social media (huge step). 

I am happy to say things are progressing nicely with our little B. 

I have a feeling B might be a boy solely based on the amount of gas I have! I'm either burping or farting (eww) all the time it seems. My child is starting the burping and farting contests early it seems and momma is not amused. Daddy thinks it is hilarious, of course. 

I am experiencing lots of typical symptoms. 

Back ache

Gas

Acne

Oily skin

RLP

Occasional nausea (I hope it'll go away soon)

Cravings (today it was a slurpee)

Food aversions (pizza, sweets)

Indigestion

Heart burn

These are all the ones I've experienced just today. Some days it is more or less. 

It is still strange to me how much change my body is already going through and has yet to do. 

And as I know some people like pictures and others don't, ultrasound photos are next. 

Here is our Little B at 11w6d

Look at those long legs! I have short legs so not sure where they are from. 

And here is a 3d one with crossed legs. You can also already see the shadow of hair which explains my constant heartburn. 

I am thankful and blessed to be experiencing this miracle. 

Thanks for reading Bloggie world and have a wonderful weekend. 

I Should B counting my blessings

Hey there. I know it has been awhile and I apologize for that. I'm having trouble with writing about the pregnancy. 

Basically, I'm afraid.  I'm afraid if I write about it too much or talk about it too much that it'll be taken away from me. I feel so shameful for thinking this and even more for writing it down. I AM blissfully happy but I'm terrified about it. 

I am writing now in an attempt to get past this fear. . .

I met with an OB. Things are going good. We had an ultrasound on the 25th and baby B is measuring right on schedule. Due date is 12/06/2014 :-) 

As for insurance coverage... We don't qualify for Medicaid as we make above poverty level. So for the first two months of prenatal care we will be paying out of pocket. This is a big burden on us but we know we will get through it. I am thankful that my insurance begins June 1st. I am thankful to have coverage for most of the pregnancy :-)

I am also looking forward to changing OBs. While I appreciate the care I am getting now. I hate the office. I only get to see midwives. Never an actual doctor. This miracle needs a doctor! Baby B deserves a doctor! June cannot come quick enough. 

I'm 9 weeks today... No bump pictures yet. I'm not there yet...mentally. I think I'm starting to show or it could be bloat. Lol

Bloggie World have a good Saturday and count your blessings :-)

I Should B Processing

Processing is EXACTLY what I am doing.

I am super excited about my number doubling. I worry that I'm too excited and that I am setting myself up for dissappointment. IF brain is always there doubting things. IF STINKS!. I want to shout to the world that I have my miracle on the way but instead I don't. For those that may not know, this is not my first pregnancy. My first was in 2010 and I was pregnant for 10 weeks. I didn't have any symptoms and took the pregnancy for granted. I did not enjoy each day. Now, all I want to do is enjoy each day. This is one of the reasons I have told select people in my life. God forbid this is not my take home baby but, I don't want people to first hear about it by informing them I m/c. I want joy. Many poeple have been by our side through IF and I want them to be happy too. So, with that in mind I share with a disclaimer that we are not "out of the woods yet". I also had to tell my supervisor at work. It is WAY earlier than I would want to share with an employer; however, I do not have a typical job. As you know we do "take downs" which can become quite physical. I cannot and frankly will not put my child in danger. So, I told my supervisor why I could no longer particpate in that part of my job. He was fine with it and informed me he would have to share with the administaration for my saftey and in order to schedule another female on staff during my shift since I can no longer do the female "take downs". Sadly, someone slipped this information and now everyone at work knows. I really did not want to share with my coworkers before 12 weeks. But, it is done now and I cannot change it. I just feel weird that most of my family doesn't know but, people I barely know do.

Just taking it one day at a time.

As far as prenatal care goes I have an appointment April 24th. I am trying to get in sooner if possible.

Symptoms have hit me pretty hard. Well mainly one. My boobs hurt like all get out! It hurts to raise my hands, shower, get dressed and sleep. I take it as a reminder that every thing is okay. I also have been having bits of nausea. It sems to hit while at work between 4 and 6 am. So far, I have managed to keep my food where it belongs.

I will end it here as I need sleep. Another symptom :)

Bloggie World I hope you stick around as I continue down this road of pregnancy. If you don't or can't I understand and wish you the best. 

I Should B sharing results

Beta #1= 121 

Beta #2= 285

Doubling time of 38.84

I'll update more later. Trying to let it sink in a little. 

Have a good day Bloggie World. 

I Should B Patient

Well not having insurance is the pits. I never in a million years thought I'd be a pregnant person without insurance. When I was hired onto my new position at work the 90 day wait did not seem bad. We planned to vist the RE in June, when my insurance starts, to discuss our next option in TTC maybe even schedule an IUI. We never thought to use protection during this time because multiple cycles with and without medication were unsuccessful. I feel so guilty.

I want the best possible care for my child and being uninsured is not getting me there. We will be fine though.

As an IF patient if I needed a scan or lab work or to talk to the doctor I would get a response within 24 hours. It was quick and I was spoiled.

Trying to get a beta done and get results the same day has been something I have found to be impossible. I did go get the beta done but the lab said the results can take 24-48 hours. Plus, the doctor's office WILL NOT call me with the results and insist I come into the office for the results. I have never heard of an office being unwilling to share the results if the patient is willing to sign consent. Aparently they don't even have a concent form for this.

So now I wait. I am hoping I can convience them that for my second beta on Wednesday to give me the results over the phone.

If I have to wait then I will wait.

Waiting is not my forte.

Blogie World how do you deal with waiting?