Tuesday, June 14, 2022

I Should B Running

Bloggie World, do you run? For this question I mean both literally and figuratively. This will probably not come as a complete shock to you, but I’m a runner. I run away from facing hard truths. I run towards the familiar. I run away from change. I run towards anything I can to keep me distracted. 

I ran. I ran in 2019. Mentally it started the day my mom died. As my world spiraled into the unknown I wanted to run away from it. So, I ran towards getting healthier. My mom was overweight for as long as I can remember and I decided I would not continue down that path. I would make changes immediately. So, for the rest of 2019 I threw myself into that. In October 2019 I started literally running. I would only go a day if at all of rest. I ran no matter what. Pouring rain? I ran. No sleep? I ran. Crushing grief? I ran physical pain? I still ran. I continued down this path well into 2020. In March 2020 the coronavirus pandemic began and my only reprieve was to run. I ran while crying. I ran while worried. I was so focused on not focusing on the hard stuff. I had lost 115 pounds when my leg gave out from underneath me while climbing the stairs. I shook it off. I googled what it could be. I decide to rest for six weeks. And then…I ran. I ran through the pain. I ran when my feet were falling asleep during my runs. I never stopped putting one foot in front of the other. The pain of continuing to push myself was easier to endure than the pain that I had been running from for so long. Well, I ran so much I tore the meniscus in both of my knees. I needed surgery and now the thing I leaned to the most was gone. So, I fell back to an old coping method of eating my feelings. Zero movement plus increased calories means weight gain and loss of muscle. I didn’t gain it all back. But it was half. I didn’t want to face what these injuries meant. So, I poured (ran) myself into work. This is something I actually had been doing for years but I did not realize it till much later. And that is a story for another day. 

Today, I have had knee surgery on my left knee. My right knee tear is at the root and the doctor doesn’t like the odds. So, I can’t run. I miss it for many different ways. But I loved the time I had to myself. No social media distractions or emails pulling at me. Just me and the path like old friends hanging out. 

Part of my healing is not hiding from things. Facing them and navigating it in as healthy way as possible for that moment. the things that are hard to face are piling higher than I am tall and how do you know which one to tackle first? I thought for sure I could figure it out on my own. I was wrong. So, yesterday I signed up to connect with a therapist via BetterHelp. It’s an online app where you are matched with w therapist who will message with you and meet virtually weekly. I never thought I could make time to do this. Virtual makes it easier to have access to this resource and I’m looking forward to figuring it out. 

Bloggie World…make today a good day. Find a positive in today no matter how small. ❤️