Thursday, October 31, 2013

I Should B strong

Thank you Bloggie World for your support for my sister, myself, and our family. 

Yesterday was by far one of the worst days of my life. 

When I wrote my post about my sister's news it was a pure raw emotional time. Somehow I managed to get to work in one piece as the tears ran down my face. Once at work, the first person that asked me if I was okay got more than she bargained for. I broke down sobbing. It was the first person that had talked to me since I found out the news. I was able to get it together though. Well until the next person asked me if I was ok. I had to ask this person to please tell others to not ask me that. At this point people were probably going to talk about me either way so why not have it explained, just as long as I didn't have to do it. I was asked by my trainer (I'm still very new at work) if I "should be here right now" and I replied with "probably not but I'm not leaving so let's just get to work". I needed the distraction of work. Any time I stopped thinking or focusing on work tears would run down my face. My trainer was very patient with me and I'm so thankful I work with good people. The clients were extra rowdy last night (I work 4p-12:30a this week) and also helped keep my mind off things. By the time I was out of work my emotions were in a better place. My biggest hurdle was receiving the information from my sister so soon before going into work (she thought I was on day shift and only planned to leave me a voicemail to call her back) that I didn't have time to "lose it" fully before reporting to work. 

When I got home at 2am (had to work over a bit) DH was still up. He wanted to stay up to see how I was. At this point I was all cried out and only wanted to talk about facts. 

1. My sister can beat this. 
2. We have to be strong for her and each other. 
3. If the worst happens DH and I are willing to move so my niece and nephew don't have to change schools. This would give us each at least an hour commute to work maybe more.
3. We need to focus on the time we do have and not the time we may be losing. 

These were the facts at the time. I hope to be able to add to the list. It is all still new/raw but I'm trying to stay strong. It's hardest to stay strong when I'm alone at home or in the car.

My sister will have her first appointment towards ridding herself of this stuff on November 13th (the earliest appointment available). There is a plan of a hysterectomy hopefully no later than Christmas. The doctors say they have to take it one step at a time. Currently my sisters white blood count is low and her blood pressure is dangerously high. They have started her on medications to help. 

Did I mention my sister wants me to tell our mother????!!? My sister said she cannot do it. The idea of this terrifies me but I will find the strength to do it. I will not tell my mom till she returns from her vacation with her friends. We want her to enjoy that time. 
She also is not going to tell her kids right now. She wants them to not have to worry and be able to enjoy their lives. 

So for now the only place to share my feelings (besides the random break down at work) is with DH and you Bloggie world. I may tell my friends but it is in no way going on Facebook. My biggest struggle is I talk to my mom at least three times a week (sometimes more). We are very close. I can't share I'm upset or what about. I worry how my mother will handle this news but I know I get my strength from her and hope she can find it during this time. 

This will be a tough journey for us all. 

Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers Bloggie world. I will keep you updated as best I can. 

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

I Should B upset

I just got a call from my sister. 

She has uterian cancer. 

I am heartbroken, upset, crying, in shock, sad, and so many more emotions I can't describe. 

She called to discuss her will and living will with me and tell me I'm her person. 

If things don't go well I will become the gaurdian to her children (14 and 16). I will decide if she lives or dies. 

How is this happening right now???


I know people beat this but there are others that don't. ... 

I now have to go to work and try not to cry the whole time. 

I feel like I'm dying... 

Bloggie world please pray that this is NOT how I become a parent

Monday, October 28, 2013

I Should B okay

My last post was very gloomy. Thank you Bloggie world for the supportive comments. 

My cousin K has also been a wonderful support system. She is always willing to listen to IF struggles even though she isn't an IF sufferer. 

So, after my last post I think God took it to the next level to test me. Well I'm not positive it was a test but it sure felt like one. 

At work ,two days after my post, a woman who was 27 weeks pregnant was brought in. She was high off street drugs and had stab wounds to her abdomen. Less than two hours later another woman came in who was 31 weeks pregnant and had just tried to kill herself and her baby. Both of these women* needed help and I had to step out to get ahold of my emotions before I could talk with them. 

At first I didn't know how to feel. This was my first exposure to women like this. Hearing of people like this and seeing it for yourself are two different things. 
I was shocked to say the least. I was angry at those women for not appreciating what they'd been blessed with. But I knew I needed to find a way to not let my emotions stop me from doing the job I love. 

While I was on my "time-out" a coworker got a call from her doctor. Her doctor confirmed she was pregnant! All her tests at home had been negative. Seeing her face during that moment was a turning point for me. She was so full of joy and it was contagious. :-) Seeing her reaction and hearing her news brought me nothing but happiness. Not a single pang of "why not me" or "when will it be my turn". 

This was a day full of tests of my emotional strength. I was able to return and help the women objectively. Not because i was happy for them but because I knew life throws you curve balls and you can't be afraid of them. I still had some negative feelings about how they were mistreating themselves but they were not feelings so strong that I was unable to preform my job duties. I don't know what the final outcome of those women and their babies will be but I know I was able to perform my job duties towards helping them. They have to decide whether to keep it up. I will remain hopeful for them and other women like them. 

Since then friends on Facebook have announced pregnancies and I didn't feel anything but joy. 

I know that one day I will be getting the call from my doctor telling me I'm pregnant. My face will fill with elation and pure happiness. Until that day I'm happy for the women that DO get the gives me hope. I'm sure I will have a few down moments but I think the worst is past me.

I think I needed to hit rock bottom emotionally to get to a good place. I'm not happy about how I got here and hope I didn't hurt anyone in the process. 

Life can throw you curve balls Bloggie world and sometimes they might hit you head on. Just remember to pick yourself up because you are a survivor. 

*details were altered for privacy purposes

Sunday, October 20, 2013

I Should B happy for others...

I am am member of a IF support group on FB. This group of ladies has helped me through some tough times and I do not know what I would do without them. 

They were very supportive when I shared we would be taking a break from TTC after the Clomid rounds were not successful. 

The same week I announced we would be taking a break two ladies posted BFPs. I was immediately depressed for me and not as happy for them as I wanted to be. Since that time about 30% of the women have posted their BFPs. I again was depressed and only slightly happy for them. I feel awful that I'm not more happy for them. 

I have been afraid to write and publish this post as some of the ladies in my group read my blog. I do not want them to think badly of me. 

This morning I woke up to cramps and another BFP that wasn't mine staring me in the face. I'm on CD3 and It was mocking me. It boldly told me I was infertile and this was the only way I would ever see a BFP (Okay it really didn't talk to me) . 

I do not want a single thing to go wrong in these women's lives. I am looking forward to seeing them get their take home babies. It will not be easy for me. 

Today I cry for what I do not have and others do. 

Bloggie world I'm a hot mess and i hate myself for it.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

I Should B aware that I'm not alone

I admit that I am having a hard time figuring out what to write on my blog. 

My new job is taking up a lot of my time. However, due to privacy laws I cannot write about details of my day. They are interesting details! I love my job and want to be able to share my experiences with everyone. Luckily I can share a little (not all) bit with DH. His feed back and support is great!

Yesterday I was at the laundry mat at our apartment complex (I wish our place had a w/d). It was pretty busy so I stayed mainly to myself. Normally I do not talk to anyone there. I keep to myself and get my laundry done quickly. Well in this occasion there was a back up at the dryers. A woman was using FIVE of the dryers and had left her clothes drying. When they were done, she still was not back. So one other woman and I had to wait for dryers to open up. Naturally we began to talk. Our conversation started with our experiences living in our apartment complex. Then it moved to where we grew up. She is from England by way of New York. I'm born and raised in the Tampa area. I have no idea how but our topic shifted to whether we had children. I hesitated and almost just said a simple "no". Then I thought why not share that I was an IF woman. I basically said that we want children but that we would need medical help to achieve this. Her response was something along the lines of oh yeah me too. 
Turns out she has PCOS!! 
I could not believe it! 
She is younger than I am and just like me at that age she doesn't really know what PCOS all entails.

I ,of course , jumped at the chance to share as much as I could about it while our clothes tumble dried. 

She is on BCP and Metformin. 

She asked me what is one advice I could give her about it. I had never thought about this. Only one ??? 

Then it hit me. 

"If you envision the man you are with to be the father of your children then start trying NOW. Do not wait. Do not stop go. Do not collect $200"

While all PCOSers are not the same, we all struggle. It is better to know sooner rather than later that more aggressive treatments will be needed. Plus, if you want to have more than one child the journey could be longer. 

There is never the perfect circumstances to have children for anyone. If you wait for that time then you could miss your chance. 

My advice was not enlightening or prophetic but it was from my heart. Given the chance I would say it again. Maybe she needed to meet me that day. Maybe it was a reminder to me that I am not alone in my IF struggle. Whatever the reason our paths crossed as we cleaned our clothes, I am thankful. I hope I helped her understand PCOS more and what it can mean when TTC. Even if she doesn't listen to my advice today, I hope she remembers it in the future. 

I am happy we met even if ever so briefly. 

What would your bit of advice be Bloggie world?