Sunday, June 22, 2014

I Should B lowering my pulse

Well, a lot as happened since my last post. Which is why this is a long post. 

 As of right now I am 16w1d. 

I mention in the beginning of the pregnancy that I did not have insurance. As of 14w the insurance began from my employer. I was so excited because then I could switch doctor's offices. 

That did not go as planned. I was denied entry into two different offices because I was " too far along". I was in shock! I'd never heard of this happening. I cried for so long and thenI had to "suck it up buttercup" (as my niece would say). I contacted a few other places and was told the same thing. Basically nobody wanted to accept me after 12w. UGH! 
I thought it was all my fault and blamed myself.

 Well along with blame comes stress and with stress comes (for me) and elevated pulse,129 to be exact. My blood pressure was good but that darn pulse hasn't dropped below a 100 too often since then. Their (doctor I am actually going to) advice was to be less stressed and calm down. 

I was calmer. 

Until yesterday. 

Yesterday was our gender reveal ultrasound. It showed we are having A BOY!! We are both excited and my husband has not stopped beaming since we found out. 

I know you are wondering how knowing the gender could stress us out. It isn't and hasn't stressed us out. 

After the gender reveal my sister asked for a few minutes of my time. I was anticipating her volunteering to purchase a big ticket item from a registry or something. 

How I WISH I had been right. 

I wasn't. 

She handed me some paperwork from a hospital. I wish I couldn't read. 

The doctors have found another tumor. It is the size of a golf ball and on her T4 vertebrae. She had actually been in the hospital for a few days and got out just to come for the gender reveal. 

I can't breathe. 

We thought she had beat this. The family has been hiding this from me so I could have "my day". 

My heart is breaking. 

The spine is nothing the mess around with. If she is lucky that it is a benign tumor it still has to be removed as it is affecting the fluid from her spine properly getting to other parts of her body. This has also affected her heart which is beating abnormally and the doctors are monitoring closely. 

I feel like a piece of me is dying. 

She told me because I am her person. With the last(and first) bout of cancer it was in her ovaries and they did a full hysterectomy on Christmas Eve. I am her person. I am listed to make medical decisions for her in the end. I am her person that will get custody of her children should anything go wrong. 

I am her person. 

I am freaking out. 

During the last round I was not pregnant. I was strong and positive for her. 

I cried in my car almost everyday. 

I am scared my son will never know his aunt. 

I AM TERRIFIED that I will not have my sister around to teach me things a first mother needs her big sister for. 

I need my sister. 

I am pregnant and am a ball of emotions. I have no clue how I am going to be strong for her when all I can think about is our family being crushed by this. 

How am I to keep my pulse down?

How will this affect the baby. 

I feel so selfish thinking these things but I must, for my son. 

The pesky insurance/doctor problem it had feels like a million years ago and so trivial. 

It is all still sinking in. 

We are having a boy. 

My sister has a tumor on her spine. 

My world is in a tilt-a-whirl. 

It is hard to figure which way is up. 

Please, if you are someone who prays, pray for my sister. She needs it. 

She deserves to see her nephew and her children grow old. 

Bloggie world, hug and cherish everything you hold dear because you never know what tomorrow brings.