Sunday, July 21, 2013

I Should B stronger

Today was a rough emotional day. 

In fact I'm still dealing with the emotions. 

DH and I have a close circle of friends and family. They consist of both our families and friends we had as individuals and now as a married couple. It isn't that many people and some we consider closer than others. 

Today one of these people told us they will be moving out of state within the year. Being that I don't know who reads my blog I will not narrow it down more than that. Needless to say I am in shock and heartbroken. This person/persons is someone I wanted my child/children to have in their daily/weekly/monthly lives. I had this idea of how our kids would grow up together. My DH is equally upset and maybe more so as he has known them longer than me. I honestly just sat and shook a little and cried. I never dreamt this person would move away. Some other friends/family also have talked about wanting to move away in the next five or so years but never before has this person said anything. I've never even considered it. They were always a constant in my mind. While we understand logically why they want/need to move, on a personal level it is not something we can accept. They asked us not to share this info and it makes it harder. People I would normally turn to when I'm upset I can't because they know them too. DH can't even talk about it. He said he needed a few days before he can get to that point. To see him this upset is very upsetting to me as he is not an overly emotional guy. We know they are serious as they have already been applying to jobs and as soon as one is found they will be starting the moving process. This means it could be sooner than a year. We really don't know. Rationally I get it but it still hurts. 

I am sad. 

Today also marks CD1 for me. A cycle sister I had in my support group got her BFP. I am happy for her. It is hard though to see it. For some reason it is more hard this cycle. Maybe it is because it was our first month with clomid. I admit I wanted to be that couple that got it right the first month. We will be doing clomid again this cycle days 5-9. 


This week was finals week for three out of my five summer classes. I am exhausted. I am also happy to say only 3 more weeks till I am done! This is an emotional thing for me since I never thought I would or could achieve this. I am the first generation in my family to graduate from college. It is a BIG deal. 


Well these events have led me to be uber  emotional today. I've cried so much today I feel like my eyes need diapers or at least a nighttime maxi pad. They are just leaking. One tear at a time every few minutes. Today is a weepy day. 

Am I the only one this happens to? 

I am thinking it may be because it is the first day of AF. For the average person this day can lead to strong emotions but for an IF person it comes with a bunch more. 

I've felt so stressed and overwhelmed this week that I've even fallen off the weight watchers wagon. I've probably gained ten pounds. 

 You have to be down to get back up and I will. 

I just need to be STRONGER. 

I hope you are having a strong day Bloggie world. Thank you for reading my random blog. 

Have a glorious day!

Thursday, July 11, 2013

I Should B waiting

It is officially 3DPO per FF. which means we are in the dreaded tww stage of things.

I hate waiting. Patience is not a virtue to me.

I honestly have no clue if that is correct. FF says that my temps and my +OPKs don't match up. I got my first +OPK on the same day that ovulation occurred. Normally a +OPK happens the day before you ovulate. I am guessing my surge happened at night the day before and I caught the back end of it when I tested. 

I am not feeling too confidant about this cycle. It was my first time on Clomid and my reactions to it were normal I think. At least now I know when I will ovulate (CD18) when taking Clomid so we can time intercourse better next time. 

Plus, next cycle I will not be so bogged down with schoolwork :-)

 I decided to get this book for my DH.
I asked him if he would even read it since he is not a huge fan of reading and he said he would!

I am hoping it can explain things about IF in a better way than me. 

Hey it can't hurt :-)

On other news:

 a FB friend from high school just found out at 14w3d that her baby does not have a heartbeat. This would have been her and her husbands fourth child and I am so sad for her. :-(

A blogger friend had her twins today and I am super happy for her!

There have been two pregnancies announced in my IF support group. I am beyond ecstatic for those ladies and their miracles. 

 It is a bittersweet day


Not too much else to share today (although I'm sure I'm forgetting something).

I hope you have had a good day Bloggie world

Sunday, July 7, 2013

I Should B taking deep breaths

I think I have reached my limit to stress. 

School Stress = 15 credits (5classes) over the summer. Today I have 5 tests, 2 papers, and 2 homework assignments due (non of which I've started on)

IF Stress= TI and catching the surge. Temping each morning, POAS at least once if not twice a day to get a pos OPK, and did I mention TI?!? TI is stressing me to the brink. I was so upset about it one night I couldn't sleep. Not the in and out of sleep type but the wide awake kind. 

House Stress= clean house, make dinner, laundry, grocery shopping. 

DH Stress = I don't think he gets it some days. 

Today the DH stress is upsetting me the most. I have altered my daily life drastically to make my body baby friendly. I've lost 35 pounds(and counting), I stopped drinking caffeine, I very rarely (maybe once a month) drink alcohol, I temp everyday, I take meds twice a day, I chart my cycle, and I steer clear of unhealthy/unfriendly foods for baby making and weight loss. I am the one that initiates the TI. I stress about TI getting boring so I try and spice it up but I really suck at it(laughably so). 
Yesterday, as DH was getting his cup of coffee I mentioned how daily caffeine might need to be cut to increase our chances. He flat out said he didn't think that would happen. He needs that morning jolt. I mentioned how I have made all these changes in my life. Is he not willing to do the same? It is only fair as this does take two people. Granted he has stopped drinking alcohol at home and only goes to WoB on Tuesdays and drinks. We bought him vitamins and he says he takes them at work. I feel like I'm doing all this work and then some to get a BFP and he is just along for the ride. I believe this is mainly because he has not heard our infertility diagnosis himself (I'm just guessing and could be wrong). I found out my PCOS and IF diagnosis over three years ago before DH and I were together and married. I have gone to the doctors and heard the devastating news that conceiving will be very difficult. He has only heard this stuff from me. I don't know if he realizes the battle that we are truly up against. I could just be making this a bigger issue than it really is. I could be assuming too much about my DH's feelings ,but when we talk about this IF stuff he pretty much says the decisions are up to me since I know more about it. Ummm well I had to read and ask questions to learn. Ugh! I know this sounds like he isn't supportive and that isn't it either. He will go get OPKs or whatever for me if I ask. He will look at a pee stick and tell me if he sees a second line or whatever if I ask. But I have to ask for stuff. 

I think I just had a light bulb moment. 

The problem is ME. 

I have done this TI, take meds, charting crap before. It led to a crappy marriage being crappier and ending in divorce. For me IF has been in my life for five+ years. Really it's been with me each month since I first got my period at 9yrsold. Each time I didn't get periods for months and then when I did get one the cramps were too painful to function.   

My DH is really just getting his first taste of this. It is our 5th cycle of TI. Our 1st month on Clomid together. 

While it feels like old news for me, I bet it feels new and scary for him. 

I have a sense of urgency when associated with IF. I KNOW first hand that this IS NOT easy. I have lived it. I have seen others live it with varying outcomes. He has not. None of his friends deal with this stuff (if they do I don't think they talk about it).

 I saw a book " What he can expect when she's not expecting" I wonder if I got it for him if he would read it. I bet it would help shed light on things. The reviews of the book are all positive. Has anyone had their DH read it?? I would love to hear from you. 

Needless to say at the end of this VERY LONG post I feel better. Writing this helped me get my emotions in the right place.

 I needed that "deep breath".

 I know the emotional roller coaster of IF is not over. It may be months or years before the ride ends. Despite everything I am happy to have DH along for the ride. 

Nobody has ever said IF is easy. 

Thanks for sticking with me through the journey Bloggie world. Have a good day and good luck to you in whatever you are struggling with. 

Thursday, July 4, 2013

I Should B BBQing

Nothing says Fourth of July celebrations like a BBQ with family followed by fireworks. 

Well I am at home. 

No BBQ for me. 

I am up past my ears in schoolwork. 

This is also my reason for not blogging or commenting as of late. I have not forgotten you all. I try to read blogs when I can. 

On ttc front, I took 100mg of clomid CD5-9. I am now CD14 waiting for ovulation. 

Oh and as of today I've shed a total of 37.5 pounds. 

Only a month left of college :-) 

Back to schoolwork I go. 

Happy Independence Day Bloggie world!!