Friday, December 27, 2013

I Should B a friend

I have read many blog posts, Facebook posts and comments about friendships in the IF world. Some are about how non-IF friendships don't work and some are where they do. This got me thinking about my friendships and how I feel about them. I don't have a lot of friends and that is okay. I have a small set of REALLY good friends and it works. I got to thinking about how with some of my friends we talk about my IF struggles and others I don't. I don't have any true close friendships with an IF. I've read and even written myself that nobody gets us IFers except other IFers. I thought would I want a friend who suffers from IF as well?

This is what I came up with. In no particular order. 

Would I want to talk about IF every time I speak with this friend? I already think about my IF every moment of everyday. Would I want every moment of a friendship that way? 

We would compare our IF struggles (maybe not openly but it probably would happen). It could start to feel like a competition. I don't want to be in a competition with a friend. Who will respond better to treatment? Who will get the BFP first and would the friendship survive it?

We would understand the unfairness of it all. 
-No insurance coverage for infertility (angerly shakes fist). 
-Can't drink because "maybe" this could be our cycle. 
-No caffeine because it thins the uterian wall. 
-The damn thermometer we use every morning. 
-The multiple pills we take for various IF reasons. 
-The stress over the timing of getting it all timed out.
- The frustrations over Timed Freaking Intercourse and how we think it is affecting or marriages/relationships. 
- not remembering the last time we bought something for ourselfs because we need to save every penny for just a chance to have a child of our own. 

Would a friendship survive all this? Would it be a friendship so close that we'd feel like sisters? Would it feel like a bad break-up when one of us has children and the other doesn't? 

Mostly my thought is thatI don't want a friend that suffers though IF. Mainly because I wouldn't wish this dreadful experience on anyone. I cannot think of one positive from being infertile. NOT ONE! 

I am beyond thankful for my IF friends that I've made after I found out about where I stand as far as having children is. It is nice to have people that "get it" but it sucks there are so many of us. 

Today I am angry. Well to be honest I have been angry for 5 years. I am angry that we have to suffer (yes SUFFER) to have hope to have a child. It is exhausting how much we all hope and fall each cycle. I know some women are able to just accept that this is how their life is and not be angry about it. I wish I was one of them. I'm NOT. 

I realize that a Fair is a place with a Ferris wheel and funnel cakes and Not life. 

That doesn't change the fact that life isn't fair. 

IF has become a huge part of my life. I am in support groups. I have this blog. I follow many other blogs. Every day I read about IF and live IF and I'm exhausted. 

I thought about just unplugging from the IF world to give myself a mental time-out and I realized it would be like losing a friendship. I don't want to lose a friendship that I talk to each day. I already think about IF daily and unplugging from the IF internet world would not change that. At the same time I am tired and exhausted from thinking about IF all the time. UGH it is a vicious cycle. 

When I started writing this post I did not intend for it to end this way. I planned in being positive. I guess I just don't have any positive left right now. I am in no way angry at or with other IFers. I'm just angry that we have to be infertile in the first place. I'm angry that I can't be Susie Sunshine all the time. I wish I knew how others did it. I wish it wasn't something I had to work for. And while I'm wishing for things... I wish I wasn't infertile

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

I Should B sharing our photos

As promised here are photos from our anniversary trip to Walt Disney World. I tried to keep it at a minimum but it is quite a few :-)

We stayed at Disney's Coronado Springs Resort.

The ceiling in the resort lobby. SO PRETTY!

The beautiful fountain under the pretty ceiling.

The view of the main building at the resort at night.

Our room was behind that green door.

View from our resort room door.

The beach (with hammocks!) at the resort.

THIS! -it was at the "dig site" also known as the main pool area.

First King size bed we have slept in. It was uber comfy

We played mini golf at Disney's Winter Summerland Miniature Golf. There was a sand (summer) and winter (snow) side. They were both cute and fun.
Goofy from summer side and Minnie from the winter side.

From the winter side we had to hit the ball under Santa's feet.

Winter side. When you hit the ball under the present Mickey popped out :-)

Summer side (but it's hard to tell). We asked some fellow golfers to take our picture.
Next are the many (but no where near all) of the Christmas trees we saw and thought to take pictures of.

Small tree at the resort

Extremely large tree at Downtown Disney

Large tree at the resort

Very large tree at Epcot

Us in front of the large resort tree 

 Next are two random photos I took of festive mickey shaped things.

"Rockette" type Mickey shaped kicking things at Hollywood Studios

Santa Mickey Topiary Thing at Downtown Disney
We did a lot of things and went to 3 parks. These photos are of my favorites from this trip. It was not our first Disney trip and will not be our last. It truly is a magical place!

Happy Holidays Bloggie World!

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

I Should B hard at work

I am typing this while at work! SHHH... don't tell. I feel like such a rebel! I am not in any way ignoring my job duties. The time is 0500 (we use military time at work), the patients are asleep and the phones are quiet ( I probably just jinxed it all). I am in my office where I've caught up on all my paperwork and am "watching" (really more like listening) to my favorite movie The Santa Clause. I know tomorrow will be different so I am taking advantage of the oportunity.

Today is my first day back to work in seven days. Don't worry I wasn't sick or anything. I was actually on vacation for seven blissful days. Five days were spent at the Disney Resort Coranado Springs for our anniversary. As of 12/12/13 we have been married for ONE YEAR. This may not seem like a long time for some but for me it is HUGE. If you didn't know this is my second marriage. My first marriage I am pretty sure I was drugged or in a state of psychosis because I have NO CLUE why I was with him or even married him. Some people say "Love is blind" I think i was just plain BLIND. Anyways, my first marriage was something I try to forget about but of course some things stick with you whether you want them to or not. The things that stick with me are all terrible events that ended in physical and emotional pain (I don't want to dwell on that now). In hindsight, my first marriage was over before it began; however, it was "over" after three months, we seperated after 6 months, filed for divorce at 11 months and finalized at 16 months. I love my current husband more than words can say but those scared feelings will creep up on me sometimes. Now that we have made it past the first year milestone I know that I will be experiencing those scared feelings less and less. :-) Our anniversary trip was great and I would love to share photos with you but since I'm on a work computer I don't have access to them. I'll try to upload some once I get home.

Right three days before our vacation began I got a +OPK. I got another +OPK the next day. I was so excited to get these before or trip so we would not have to stress about TI. I have been checking my BBT daily however due to my crazy sleep schedule the temps have been all over the place and taken at different times each day (like hours different). I did bring my BBT thermometer on our trip. While on vacation, we woke up at the same time each day so my temps were "regular" I got my temp rise five days after my first +OPK. I have no clue if it was because I ovulated more than 48 hours after my +OPK or because I was finally taking my BBT at the same time each day. ANY insight from you Bloggie World is welcomed!! So we either timed it right or missed it completly. It would be wonderful for this to be our Christmas miracle but, I don't want to get my hopes up. I did ask the Magic 8 Ball at work if this is our cycle for a take home baby and it said "it's decidedly so" or something like that. I did however ask it if we will get our BFP before Christmas and it said "yes". I realized I was not specific enough and asked the question again specifying 2013 and it said "no". I have NO CLUE why I am putting so much faith in a plastic fortune teller. I guess I've reached the point of desperation.

Update on my sister. She is pretty much sick everyday and in bed 80% of the day. She gets winded just walking to the kitchen. I am unable to be with her as much as I would like but my neice and nephew and mom are there. I still take her to all her doctor appointments though. It is the one thing only I can do or as my mother says " thank God you are strong enough for this".

Bloggie World life is not fair. Fair is a place you ride the ferris wheel and get funnel cakes.

Have a good day Bloggie World and cherish the time you have with those you love.