I Should B holding on and never letting go.

I fully intend to hold on, but I will let go...when he is 30...maybe. :-)

Here is our big guy. 

Born 12/01/2014 weighing 10lbs 12oz and 21.5 inches long. 

He is awesome and I just couldn't love him more! 

He is spending some time in the NICU and hopefully will be discharged from the hospital right along with me tomorrow. 

Bloggie world I love my son. 

I Should B ready

It's been awhile. 

Sorry about that. 

My sister is recovering well. My mother had her knee replacement surgery yesterday and is in recovery. 

I am 37 weeks pregnant today and am REALLY feeling it. I feel guilty complaining but gosh I am ready to not be pregnant anymore. 

My boy is already measuring just past 40 weeks. I lovingly refer to him as my Chunka Monk (Chunky Monkey). 

I am battling my gestational diabetes, overall swelling, chronic hyper tension, anxiety, lots of round ligament pain and I managed to catch my husbands nasty cold flu that has my throat swollen. 

So yep I'm ready to meet mister Chunka. 

He was breech until Monday and is now bouncing between head down and sideways. I am scheduled for an induction on December 1st at 8am. 

I would have loved for it to have been Novemeber 29th (my late MILs birthday) but they would not allow it since it is a "holiday weekend". 

My last day of work will be Thankgiving Day (Novemeber 27). I am trying to work everyday between now and then so I can have one last decent paycheck before my unpaid maternity leave starts. 

It really stinks that us Americans do not get paid for maternity leave. I hope in the future to see this change. 

Finances are a constant worry for me. My DH keeps the mind set of "it'll all work itself out". I don't know how he does it. Faith in the unknown has always been difficult for me. I fear it always will be. My type A personality cannot seem to let go of the need to plan and control things. I know once Chunka gets here it'll be inevitable that it'll have to happen. Hopefully you'll stick around to watch it all unfold and I'll remember to share it all. :-)

Bloggie World this post is all over the place, which is fitting because that is how my mind seems to work these days. 

I Should B jumping for joy

Her surgery was a success!! 

I would be jumping for joy but being 30weeks along might make that difficult. 

She is still at the hospital recovering but the doctors are hopeful for a full recovery. 

Oh and she can walk! No paralysis:-)

Admittedly all this stress has not been well for me and the baby. I was experiencing severe anxiety and panic attacks from being overwhelmed. I am now on an anxiety medication and I think I should've spoken up sooner to my doctor. While I still have hormone flare ups, it is no where near where it was. Here I thought I was just getting a big dose of pregnancy hormones. Lol. 

Baby boy is doing good. At my last appointment I was 28w6d and he was  measuring 31w2d. So who know if he will be coming early. 

I have another appointment this Friday along with maternity pictures and meeting my doula. AND this Sunday is the baby shower :-)

Lots of good things going on this week. 

Have a wonderful day Bloggie world

I Should B less angry

Okay so things have not gotten better. 

My sister was admitted to the hospital on Saturday and is scheduled for open chest (to avoid spinal area and limit chances if paralysis) surgery on Thursday. 

This is not how things were supposed to happen. She was supposed to start radiation treatment this coming week. 

Luckily she told her children on Friday so they were not in total shock. 

My sister did not tell me about her being admitted to the hospital until yesterday. She said it was to not worry me or the baby. Ugh ! Why in the world does she think like this?!? I am her medical proxy I HAVE to be informed. She just doesn't seem to comprehend this. 

So the last two days I have gone to the hospital to go over things and hang out after I get out of work. 

I am angry at my family and at this entire unfair situation. 

My mother brought my sisters children to the hospital to see her. On the way she bought the kids dinner. After their visit was over she had the nerve to ask for money from my sister to remburse her for gas/food/parking monies that she spent. WTF?!? I know that it was maybe $30 total. I know my mother has some money. And why in the world is this amount of money so important when her daughter is having open chest surgery in a few days?!? Why in the world can't she stop thinking of herself for a minute and focus on the fact that her 36 year old daughter is laying in a hospital bed?!?

Then there is my niece. She is 15. This week is homecoming week. Homecoming is on Saturday. She had a date who canceled on her after finding out his parents are getting a divorce. He told her he just didn't feel up to going and wanted to spend time with the family. You would think her world is over, nope. She called me today wanting to know if I can take her to get her nails done in Friday. Umm how bout you stop thinking of yourself for one minute and think about your only mother going into surgery she may not live through?!? There are other dances. You only have one mother!!! And while we are at it how about you actually come home after school like you are supposed to and help around the house? 

I just cannot comprehend why nobody else wants to spend time with my sister. Will this be the end for her? No, I don't think so. But dang what if it is?? 

Then, my DH tells me he will be at a buddies house to watch football on Thursday. He said, " if you think I need to be at the hospital let me know." Hmmm let's see, your pregnant wife's sister is having major surgery and God forbid something should go wrong but gee she might need you support... Why would he not think of this?!?! It is just a football game !!!

Why is it my responsibility to be the one to decide who should or should not be there?? Everyone should be there! Not because I said it was the right thing to do but because they WANT to be there. 

If this were DH sibling I would be there without question. 

This could be pregancy hormones talking. 

This could be fear talking. 

This could be anger talking. 

This could be love talking. 

Or

This could be all those feelings and more talking ...

Bloggie world please keep our family in your thoughts this week and appreciate yours. 

I Should B hoping the odds are ever in our favor

I haven't blogged. Blogging just hasn't been something that has been in the forefront of my mind. I apologize for this but I know you all can understand. I started this blog to help me deal with a crappy situation and share my feelings and emotions in a safe place. 

Today I blog to get all my emotions out about a crappy situation that I am trying to not overwhelm and drown me. 

Before I go further, baby boy and I are fine. I am high risk with gestational diabetes and 27w3d. 

This post is about my sister. 

Since my last post there has not been too much to update. I have not been able to attend appointments with her as I now have a day shift full time job and have to attend my own appointments. About 2 hours ago, I called her for our normal weekly chats. She said she had stuff to update me on. She started with that she has not been telling things for fear on how it would affect me and the baby. This upsets me because I'm not overly fragile and it is easier to hear a little at a time then have it all thrown at you. Well she threw it at me today...

She has radiation treatment coming up and a scan. They fear the cancer has spread further as she is losing feeling on her right side. She has been given a TEN PERCENT chance of coming out of the surgery to remove the current tumor and not be paralyzed. That is not a high number. I am her person to decide things for her once she is under and until she wakes up. Today she sobbed and cried at me that if she comes out of surgery paralyzed to not let her live as that is not a life she wants. I know it doesn't work like that unless her brain function is affected too but to hear my sister ask this of me is breaking me. She lives to be active and outdoors. I know if she were paralyzed it would be awful but at least she would still be here. I explained the legal stuff of how it all works but I'm still in shock. 

She wants to prolong the surgery so she can be around for little guys birth. No matter what there will never be a good time for this. 

I am still prosessing. I am sorry I am not writing happy things and only update when I am overwhelmed. This is my overwhelmed let out place. 

I will do my best to keep at this blogging stuff. 

Please pray that the odds are in her favor. 

Hug your loved ones Bloggie world and have a good night

I Should B lowering my pulse

Well, a lot as happened since my last post. Which is why this is a long post. 

 As of right now I am 16w1d. 

I mention in the beginning of the pregnancy that I did not have insurance. As of 14w the insurance began from my employer. I was so excited because then I could switch doctor's offices. 

That did not go as planned. I was denied entry into two different offices because I was " too far along". I was in shock! I'd never heard of this happening. I cried for so long and thenI had to "suck it up buttercup" (as my niece would say). I contacted a few other places and was told the same thing. Basically nobody wanted to accept me after 12w. UGH! 

I thought it was all my fault and blamed myself.

 Well along with blame comes stress and with stress comes (for me) and elevated pulse,129 to be exact. My blood pressure was good but that darn pulse hasn't dropped below a 100 too often since then. Their (doctor I am actually going to) advice was to be less stressed and calm down. 

I was calmer. 

Until yesterday. 

Yesterday was our gender reveal ultrasound. It showed we are having A BOY!! We are both excited and my husband has not stopped beaming since we found out. 

I know you are wondering how knowing the gender could stress us out. It isn't and hasn't stressed us out. 

After the gender reveal my sister asked for a few minutes of my time. I was anticipating her volunteering to purchase a big ticket item from a registry or something. 

How I WISH I had been right. 

I wasn't. 

She handed me some paperwork from a hospital. I wish I couldn't read. 

The doctors have found another tumor. It is the size of a golf ball and on her T4 vertebrae. She had actually been in the hospital for a few days and got out just to come for the gender reveal. 

I can't breathe. 

We thought she had beat this. The family has been hiding this from me so I could have "my day". 

My heart is breaking. 

The spine is nothing the mess around with. If she is lucky that it is a benign tumor it still has to be removed as it is affecting the fluid from her spine properly getting to other parts of her body. This has also affected her heart which is beating abnormally and the doctors are monitoring closely. 

I feel like a piece of me is dying. 

She told me because I am her person. With the last(and first) bout of cancer it was in her ovaries and they did a full hysterectomy on Christmas Eve. I am her person. I am listed to make medical decisions for her in the end. I am her person that will get custody of her children should anything go wrong. 

I am her person. 

I am freaking out. 

During the last round I was not pregnant. I was strong and positive for her. 

I cried in my car almost everyday. 

I am scared my son will never know his aunt. 

I AM TERRIFIED that I will not have my sister around to teach me things a first mother needs her big sister for. 

I need my sister. 

I am pregnant and am a ball of emotions. I have no clue how I am going to be strong for her when all I can think about is our family being crushed by this. 

How am I to keep my pulse down?

How will this affect the baby. 

I feel so selfish thinking these things but I must, for my son. 

The pesky insurance/doctor problem it had feels like a million years ago and so trivial. 

It is all still sinking in. 

We are having a boy. 

My sister has a tumor on her spine. 

My world is in a tilt-a-whirl. 

It is hard to figure which way is up. 

Please, if you are someone who prays, pray for my sister. She needs it. 

She deserves to see her nephew and her children grow old. 

Bloggie world, hug and cherish everything you hold dear because you never know what tomorrow brings. 

I Should B moving right along

Hello there! Long time no see. 

It is clearly all my fault but I hope you will forgive me. 

I am finally starting to embrace this pregnancy. We have made it past the 12 week mark and announced on social media (huge step). 

I am happy to say things are progressing nicely with our little B. 

I have a feeling B might be a boy solely based on the amount of gas I have! I'm either burping or farting (eww) all the time it seems. My child is starting the burping and farting contests early it seems and momma is not amused. Daddy thinks it is hilarious, of course. 

I am experiencing lots of typical symptoms. 

Back ache

Gas

Acne

Oily skin

RLP

Occasional nausea (I hope it'll go away soon)

Cravings (today it was a slurpee)

Food aversions (pizza, sweets)

Indigestion

Heart burn

These are all the ones I've experienced just today. Some days it is more or less. 

It is still strange to me how much change my body is already going through and has yet to do. 

And as I know some people like pictures and others don't, ultrasound photos are next. 

Here is our Little B at 11w6d

Look at those long legs! I have short legs so not sure where they are from. 

And here is a 3d one with crossed legs. You can also already see the shadow of hair which explains my constant heartburn. 

I am thankful and blessed to be experiencing this miracle. 

Thanks for reading Bloggie world and have a wonderful weekend. 

I Should B counting my blessings

Hey there. I know it has been awhile and I apologize for that. I'm having trouble with writing about the pregnancy. 

Basically, I'm afraid.  I'm afraid if I write about it too much or talk about it too much that it'll be taken away from me. I feel so shameful for thinking this and even more for writing it down. I AM blissfully happy but I'm terrified about it. 

I am writing now in an attempt to get past this fear. . .

I met with an OB. Things are going good. We had an ultrasound on the 25th and baby B is measuring right on schedule. Due date is 12/06/2014 :-) 

As for insurance coverage... We don't qualify for Medicaid as we make above poverty level. So for the first two months of prenatal care we will be paying out of pocket. This is a big burden on us but we know we will get through it. I am thankful that my insurance begins June 1st. I am thankful to have coverage for most of the pregnancy :-)

I am also looking forward to changing OBs. While I appreciate the care I am getting now. I hate the office. I only get to see midwives. Never an actual doctor. This miracle needs a doctor! Baby B deserves a doctor! June cannot come quick enough. 

I'm 9 weeks today... No bump pictures yet. I'm not there yet...mentally. I think I'm starting to show or it could be bloat. Lol

Bloggie World have a good Saturday and count your blessings :-)

I Should B Processing

Processing is EXACTLY what I am doing.

I am super excited about my number doubling. I worry that I'm too excited and that I am setting myself up for dissappointment. IF brain is always there doubting things. IF STINKS!. I want to shout to the world that I have my miracle on the way but instead I don't. For those that may not know, this is not my first pregnancy. My first was in 2010 and I was pregnant for 10 weeks. I didn't have any symptoms and took the pregnancy for granted. I did not enjoy each day. Now, all I want to do is enjoy each day. This is one of the reasons I have told select people in my life. God forbid this is not my take home baby but, I don't want people to first hear about it by informing them I m/c. I want joy. Many poeple have been by our side through IF and I want them to be happy too. So, with that in mind I share with a disclaimer that we are not "out of the woods yet". I also had to tell my supervisor at work. It is WAY earlier than I would want to share with an employer; however, I do not have a typical job. As you know we do "take downs" which can become quite physical. I cannot and frankly will not put my child in danger. So, I told my supervisor why I could no longer particpate in that part of my job. He was fine with it and informed me he would have to share with the administaration for my saftey and in order to schedule another female on staff during my shift since I can no longer do the female "take downs". Sadly, someone slipped this information and now everyone at work knows. I really did not want to share with my coworkers before 12 weeks. But, it is done now and I cannot change it. I just feel weird that most of my family doesn't know but, people I barely know do.

Just taking it one day at a time.

As far as prenatal care goes I have an appointment April 24th. I am trying to get in sooner if possible.

Symptoms have hit me pretty hard. Well mainly one. My boobs hurt like all get out! It hurts to raise my hands, shower, get dressed and sleep. I take it as a reminder that every thing is okay. I also have been having bits of nausea. It sems to hit while at work between 4 and 6 am. So far, I have managed to keep my food where it belongs.

I will end it here as I need sleep. Another symptom :)

Bloggie World I hope you stick around as I continue down this road of pregnancy. If you don't or can't I understand and wish you the best. 

I Should B sharing results

Beta #1= 121 

Beta #2= 285

Doubling time of 38.84

I'll update more later. Trying to let it sink in a little. 

Have a good day Bloggie World. 

I Should B Patient

Well not having insurance is the pits. I never in a million years thought I'd be a pregnant person without insurance. When I was hired onto my new position at work the 90 day wait did not seem bad. We planned to vist the RE in June, when my insurance starts, to discuss our next option in TTC maybe even schedule an IUI. We never thought to use protection during this time because multiple cycles with and without medication were unsuccessful. I feel so guilty.

I want the best possible care for my child and being uninsured is not getting me there. We will be fine though.

As an IF patient if I needed a scan or lab work or to talk to the doctor I would get a response within 24 hours. It was quick and I was spoiled.

Trying to get a beta done and get results the same day has been something I have found to be impossible. I did go get the beta done but the lab said the results can take 24-48 hours. Plus, the doctor's office WILL NOT call me with the results and insist I come into the office for the results. I have never heard of an office being unwilling to share the results if the patient is willing to sign consent. Aparently they don't even have a concent form for this.

So now I wait. I am hoping I can convience them that for my second beta on Wednesday to give me the results over the phone.

If I have to wait then I will wait.

Waiting is not my forte.

Blogie World how do you deal with waiting?

I Should B in shock

Yesterday was a hard day at work. We had a very aggressive patient that was breaking things and hurting themselves. For times like these we as a team do a "take down". This is where we use training to prevent the individual from harming themselves or others. It can get quite physical. Well anyways I was one of the trained people on duty that assisted. After the individual was calm we were able to let them up and rest in an observation room. Afterwards I assessed myself for any injuries. My back was sore, my knee was bruised, and I had scrapes on my elbow accompanied with another bruise. I was okay but hurting. This is not my first take down so don't be concerned. I work in mental health and yes at times it can be scary. Yesterday was as scared as I'd ever been. But again I am okay and so is everyone else. It was a success. This is just Mental Health sometimes. 

When I got home I took a hot bath for my aches and pains. My body was hurting so much I wanted to take a strong pain pill that I have. Ever since we began TTC it became a habit to take a cheapy pregnancy test to make sure I'm not expecting. My husband always complained I was wasting money but it only cost like .25 and I only reach for pain pills when I am in A LOT of pain (every 6 months or so). So, I POAS and walked away cleaning up a bit and forgot about it. It was until I went to use the bathroom that I saw it. 

It was freaking positive!!!

Wait what?!? So I whipped out the trusty FRER. 

Umm SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!! 

We are on a break! This is a complete and utter SHOCK!

We are cautiously optimistic and beta will be Monday morning. 

The biggest worry now is health insurance. Mine doesn't kick in till June 1st. I will not wait that long with my history. So I will be scouring the internet to see what my short term options are. 

Right now I'm pregnant and in shock!

Needless to say I never took the pain pill and will not be participating in any more take downs for the foreseeable future. 

How did countless rounds of Clomid not work and being on a break did? Why now? Why am I the lucky one and not others? 

I am not upset but happy and I want everyone to feel this happiness. 

I hope this our take home baby. 

Bloggie World miracles DO happen! 

I Should B Smacking Someone Up Side Their Head

Okay, seriously, the title says it all.

I am not a violent person and I do not plan on resorting to violence any time soon.

I work in the mental health field. We are taught to know our "triggers" which is what could cause us to lose our perspective or theraputic train of thought. I have mentioned in my blog before about this. My "trigger" is pregnant women intentionally harming themselves or their child. I also of course do not like people who harm their children or intentionaly neglect them. However, it is the pregnant women that REALLY get to me.


A pregnant woman* in 2nd trimester arrived at the facility she expressed how she does not want her child and neither does the father. She admits to daily substance use, alcohol use and cigarette use. While in our facilty she insisted on participating during the smoke breaks. Her proprty had drugs and drug paraphenalia.

*Due to HIPPA laws information has been changed/altered .

I WANT to smake her up side her head and yell at her. I want to tell her how much I wish I was the one pregnant. The law and my morals prevent this.

I WISH I could offer to take her child in. Ethics and the law prevents me from being able to do this. There is an unwanted child (in the womb) and I cannot reach out and help.

Sometimes my job is hard and heart breaking.

Today is one of those days...

If you have children, give them a hug for me :-)

I Should B Coping

So, like many posts before this one, this post is about my emotions and infertility.

I have stated many times that IF is something to grieve over. We grieve over what could have been, finances, timing, friendships, loss and so much more. Each person deals with grief differently.

On most days, I am in the acceptance part of grief. I resort to humor to try to cover any other stages.

Just a few moments ago, while at work, a new employee grabbed my shoulders in a playful way. Being that I am married and am acting superviosr on some nights I do not feel that is appropriate and I informed him that I do not want to be touched. His response was along the lines of "pfft, I bet you don't have kids either because you don't have the instincts". I calmly responded with " Actually I'm infertile". He just stared at me in disbelief and shock. IF is not something I hide at work or really anywhere. If you ask then I tell. Most times I am fine. I can say "I'm infertile" and be fine. Today, I was fine with it. I said it and while there is always a pang in my heart about it. I was fine.

Until, this co-worker popped his head in my office later and just said "I'm sorry about earlier".

His small gesture has torn me down. I sit here typing with tears silently running down my face.

I think it is that he has had a response at all that is geting to me.

Most people don't know what to say and just change subjects. Every single time it is me that brings up my infertility. I know when to prepare the wall againist any emotions. I am "ready" to discuss it. Randomly being hit with the subject gets me everytime.

My friend tells me that I wouldn't have to worry about it if i would just keep it a secret. I never want to keep it a secret. IF needs awareness. It does not need to be swept under the rug and only talked about behind closed doors. People need to be aware that not everyone gets the kids they have always dreamed of. It sucks and life is NOT FAIR.

 However, that is not a reason to hide it.


Most people experience grief or loss when someone they care about has passed away. They are able to hold a funeral or service to say goodbye. They have a location they can go to drop off flowers and grieve when they are ready. While they may have some reminders of that loss it is not always with them.

My daily cramps remind me that I am infertile and have Endometriosis. I cannot walk away and come back when I am ready. My body is a constant reminder of my loss. I hate it.


Today, I want to cry, scream, yell and eat chocolate about the unfairness of IF and that the grief gets to me.

I think no matter how much time has passed my infertility is something I will always grieve over.

Bloggie World have some chocolate for me and even some for you because if i ate all the chocolate I feel like eating I would probably gain every pound back I've lost.

 While our lives may not be what we dreamt them to be they are lives and we need to live them.

Today I remind myself to live and be happy for what I DO have.

<3

I Should B Insured

So, I realize I just posted something, but that was mostly about my sister. Plus, I am trying to keep busy to stay awake.

I am currently on day 20 of my new full-time position at work. The first day of the month after my 90 days I will have medical insurance !!!

No, you did not read that incorrectly.

I WILL HAVE MEDICAL INSURANCE

whoop, whoop

I am just a little excited about it.

My main concern and focus will be to get checked out for uterian cancer or really any cancer. My mother had uterian cancer at 33 which resulted in a hysterectomy. My sister is 36 and it all just happened to her. Both of my grandmothers had breast cancer. I am currenlty 32.

Let's just say the odds are NOT in my favor, no even a little.

If all should come back okay (please God) then we will be pursuing this crazy TTC thing again. However, my insurance has an "exclusion" section and of course infertility is listed. It is actually worded in an extremely tricky way. I posted it to my support groups and every interpretation of it was different. I will have to visit the benefits specialist to truely get an understanding of it.

Oh, and I bet you are thinking to yourself, "wait, why is she so excited about medical insurance?"
The answer is tha,t I have not had insurance in 4 years. While in college I was able to use the school clinic and that is where I was able to get TTC help but it was super limited. It did not offer me access to "The Big Guns" a.k.a. an RE. I am excited about the prospect but afraid of the cost and what they will say. I'll worry about that when the time comes.

June 1st is when it will be active. That is 99 days away....

Be good Bloggie World and have a fantastic day.

I Should B Asleep

As the title states I should be asleep. Not because it is 0355 in the morning but because I'm so exhausted I am struggling to keep upright. Being that I am at work it is extremely difficult to perform the task needed for me.

Ugh

I bet you are curious as to why I am so tired.

Care to take a guess?

FYI. It is not because of anything fun or IF related.

Give up?

ok, I'll tell you.

It is my sister. She was back in the ER yesterday and I was with her every step of the way. for the last 2 weeks she has had difficulty walking and eating. It got prgressively worse and she finally told me about it yesterday. She said she didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want me to worry or miss any work. Well I took her imediately to the ER where they did more tests than I can remember.

The verdict?

A complication from her surgery at the end of December.

First of all she had an infection just after the surgery that was just gross ( I am sparing you the details. You're welcome). It took two rounds of heavy antibiotic to clear up. we thought she was past it.

Guess not...

So turns out she had a swollen spleen and GI. Apparently it is something that "can" occur in women that have heserectomys. My poor sister just can't seem to get a break.

Luckily she is slowly on the mend but this along with the infection will set back her recovery even further. She is still not cleared from the doctor and supposed to be on bed rest.

Being that she is stubborn and getting cabin fever she keeps pushing herself adn gosh darn her she WILL NOT LISTEN and stay the heck in bed!

So, that is what is going on. I have been awake for so many hours and running on 2 hours of sleep before that. Lucky me I "get" to work a double tomorrow/today to make up for my missed shift last night.

Have a good day Bloggie world and for goodness sake get some sleep :-)

I Should B writing

Hello all! 

Just a quick update. 

My sister had her hysterectomy right before New Years. Things went well. Recovery has been hard on her but slowly she is getting her strength back. Per the doctors they got all the cancer and she will live a long and healthy life! So happy about this :-D

Life is pretty busy with mostly work. I am not sure what to blog about since we are on a TTC break. Hopefully I'll think of some stuff and this blog can keep on keeping on. 

I recently was added to a group blog as an author. My first post came out yesterday. Check it out at 

http://www.themissingstork.com/2014/01/acceptance-of-things-i-cannot-control.html?m=1

This is a fairly new blog but feel free to browse the other posts as well. 

Thanks for always being there for me Bloggie World <3