Friday, March 29, 2013

I Should B a Mom

WARNING:long post

When you become a parent, you immediately start making sacrifices for your child(ren). It stops being about what you want but more about what they need. I may not be a parent yet but I know this and I feel we infertiles start this process even before our children are with us. Sometimes it may be as little as something to aid ovulation production to as large as a second or third mortgage on a house. Plus, there are many more examples than those.

Yesterday, I had to make a life decision. It did not even take me three seconds to decide. I know, without a doubt, it was the right choice.

I bet you want to know what it is :-) luckily I'm not a fan of torture so I will tell you.

I will be graduating from college soon (August). It had become time to decide what my next academic plan would be.

Would I go to graduate school?

I attended a grad school workshop to make sure I was fully informed about this option. I knew half way through the workshop that grad school was for me and it will be my next academic step which will aid me in reaching my final career goal. I went to see my advisor after the workshop. This was a meeting scheduled to help me narrow down grad schools and look at requirements for those schools. After we were done, I apologized to my advisor for taking up her time. She looked at me quizzically as she did not know why I said that. What she did not know was that during our meeting I had made another decision. A decision that will change my life. A decision that was only mine to make. I decided to not go to Grad school,yet. She looked at me as if I were insane. I told her that while Grad School is something I want to do, it is not something I'm going to do within the next five years. She asked me why.

I knew she would not like my answer. I did not sugarcoat it.

I frankly stated, "I want to be a mom. Eggs are only viable for so long, grad school will always be there."

She still continued to stare at me in disbelief and asked me what I meant by that. I told her that grad school(even applying) will be expensive and I would prefer to spend that money on fertility treatment. In five years or maybe less, I will revisit the Grad School idea. There will be a lot of deciding factors just as there were now. She asked me if this was the smartest academic decision for me. I told her it was. She explained that with a masters degree I would be able to afford fertility treatments more.I could see she was not going to drop it so I laid it all out there.

I explained that I am 29+2 years old. In the fertility world I'm old. The odds are not in my favor since I have ENDO. and PCOS. Viable egg production decreases as you get older and the chances of complications increase. I do not have five or six years to spare. Heck I don't even have one. I do not want to look back on my life with regret. I know if I chose Grad school now that I would regret it.

I left that meeting knowing she did not fully understand my decision. She is a single career driven woman in her late thirties. Even now she is in grad school for her second masters degree. She has always told me that education is the most important thing.

The most important thing to me is my family.

Afterwards I had lunch with some of my fellow college students. We'd all attended the workshop and had planned to meet up after our meetings with our advisors to discuss grad schools. I let them go first. They were excited with the different options they each had and were eager to share them. When it was my turn. I told them my decision. They flipped! All at once I had five people trying to tell me I was making a mistake. I just sat there and waited for them to calm down. I explained that I am at least ten years older than them (some twelve). I am married (they aren't). I want to be a mom (they have yet to decide this). I too at their age thought i had time (little did i know).I explained that I was not letting anything hold me back from grad school. In fact I was doing the opposite. If I went to grad school now I would always be distracted about if I had not decided this would I have a baby in my arms by this point?Worse yet I would go to grad school and still want to do fertility treatment. While we could do this financially if we took out loans, never went out for food or fun, and hubby got a third job. That is not living and it would put a terrible strain on our relationship.

They just did not understand.

I arrived home and told my DH of my decision. He asked me if I was sure. I told him I was. He then explained that he knew this decision had been looming and did not want to force my opinion one way or the other. He liked my decision and agreed with it. He did add that during the five years I should study and prepare for the GRE. I can go at a leisurely pace. He is so smart and really is the best man for me. :-) I cannot wait to see him as a father.

At the end of the day I knew the only people that could truly understand my decision is YOU. My fellow cysters and sufferers of infertility. While my husband is supportive, he can't truly understand. He is not the one that has decided to put their body and mind through countless tests and medications that have no guarantee. I am not saying this will not be hard on him because i know it will be, but it just isn't the same as physically experiencing it.

So, now you know what my decision was. What do you think?


  1. I think you made the best choice for you! I think you had a great point when you said that grad school will always be there, eggs won't. You can always change your mind, if you wanted to. I think we have to do whats most important to us.

  2. First, I have to say that even in the fertility world you are not yet considered old. Not quite yet, but not far away. 35 is like the "cut off" point. With that said, I do agree with you. Take advantage of this time NOW. Grad school will always be there and your eggs won't. I am 38. I understand the ticking clock. Go for it now so you can't look back and regret your decision later. You are right, your school friends are too young to yet understand. Hopefully, none of them will ever have to experience what it is like to worry about that ticking clock.

    1. 35 huh? I think the clock just started ticking louder and faster. Kinda like the crocodile from Peter Pan that chases Captain Hook.

      Now to find a job with good benefits is of upmost importance.

  3. Obviously, people still get pregnant after 35. I'm still trying!! Nothing like IF to make a woman feel old!! Good luck in the job search.

  4. Hi, new reader here. Just wanted to chime in that it sounds like you made the right decision for yourself. You know what you want and have prioritized it to hopefully make it all happen. I'm feeling the ticking time bomb as well, and have put pretty much everything else on hold for my conquest to be a mother. Gosh it's hard, but I'm thankful for the support system online! Good luck to you!!

    1. welcome Sarah! Thank you. The more days that pass the more i am sure of my decision. Good luck on your conquest. It'll all be worth it in the end. I agree the supporters online are wonderful!