Monday, June 10, 2013

I Should B sorry

Yesterday was CD20. I did my morning tests. 
CBFM= peak (most fertile)
CB dOPK = smiley face (positive)
FR OPK = 1 dark line & 1 light line (negative)

Here is a photo of  the tests.  
Last night at around 10pm I tested again. 
CB dOPK = smiley face (positive)
Wondfo OPK = two strong lines (positive)

I knew we needed to BD yesterday. DH doesn't like to know the O days so I didn't tell him. 

Oh, before I continue we did BD around 4 am yesterday. 

Much to my detriment, DH had terrible indigestion yesterday and all through the night. We tried to BD but he just wasn't comfortable and it was really bothering him. 

So, I went to bed last night sad that we had missed our chance. 

This morning I woke up with terrible ovulation cramps. I panicked. This was it. Ovulation is happening. I didn't want all this tracking and testing to be for nothing. 

I wanted to BD NOW so we didn't miss our chance. 

DH was already up and getting ready for work. 

Subtlety was not going to work. 

So, I said, " um we need to have sex".

DH : "like now?"

Me:  "yep"

DH: "why"

Me: " because  I'm ovulating"

DH: " do you see what time it is? I have to get to work"

Me: "you've left late before"

DH: " I have a deadline I can't be late"

Me: in a nasty tone :-( " fine we will just get pregnant next month !"

DH: not a nasty tone " I know this is a big deal, but if I lose my job that would be pretty terrible"

Me: still nasty tone "fine, whatever"

I then changed the subject. 

I kissed him goodbye and said, "I love you" when he left for work minutes later. 

Now he is gone and I am a HOT MESS. I have so many emotions running through me. 

I'm angry at me for getting nasty. There was no need for it and it didn't help anything. 

I'm angry at IF and that we need TI and testing.

I'm angry with DH for having indigestion last night and then saying no this morning to go to work. 

I am angry with my body. Why can't it be normal. Why do other women have babies and get pregnant and I can't ?!?!

I am mostly ANGRY with myself for getting so worked up about this. 

I am sad that I could snap at DH like that. 

I am sad that this might mean we have to wait longer for our BFP and take home baby. 

I am hurt at being rejected (although I get it) by my DH. No matter the circumstances, being rejected hurts. 

Tears are running down my face as all these emotions are overwhelming. 

Now I just feel regret. 

I am so sorry I got nasty and felt anger. Why does this happen???

I tested with the CBFM, CB digital OPK and a FR OPK this morning. (After DH left)
CBFM= Peak
CB dOPK = open circle (negative)
FR OPK = 1 dark line & 1 slightly dark line (i think its positive)

Here is a picture of the tests

Now, I am hopeful that if we BD tonight that we may not have missed our window of opportunity. 

Sadly I know if we get a BFN this cycle I will always look back and wonder "what if" 

Ugh !!!

I hate IF !

I hate TI !

I hate how emotional I am about all this !

I have sent a sorry test to DH and all is well. 

Sorry you had to see my nastiness bloggie world. I would like to say it'll be my last but I know that IF can bring out the worst in us sometimes (this is my first experience with it)

Do you think we missed our window? Or do you think the window is still open?

Please be honest. Sugar coating and false hopes are not what I need right now. Sorry if that is harsh but its true. 

Have a good day and thanks for stopping by! 


  1. I think we all know very well the roller coaster of emotions that goes with this stinky IF so no need to apologize :) Sadly I made myself quit with all of the OPK crazyness to give us a break so I don't know the answer BUT I do think you should give it a go just never know, it only takes one :)

    1. Thank you Amie. I can't wait for the day I can wake up and not test/temp. I am sure you are enjoying your break from it all.

  2. Ugh Heather, yes yes yes. This was me to a T several months ago during out TI cycles. I was in your shoes and fought with my husband about HAVING to have sex with me and we would leave annoyed at each other and then I would break down crying alone. I loathe TI with a passion and you are right, it is not FAIR that others get to have a passionate night and get knocked up. I was told by my doc that once you get a positive ovulation, have sex that day and the next. So I think you will be fine if u bd today or tonight. An egg lasts like 24-36 hours after ovulation. Maybe have some makeup sex? I'm so sorry you have to go through this shitty thing. But you still have some time. Try it tonight.

    1. Thank you :-) just hearing someone else say they have broken during this IF mess makes me feel a little better. Hopefully makeup sex that is also TI is successful and fun :)

  3. I am in the same boat today and JUST posted a similar blog post! It is so hard. I know exactly what you are feeling right now. I am so sorry! We really messed up our timing- you are much better off right now than we are. FX you are good to go!

    1. This boat isn't a party cruise ship. It is more like a dingy floating down a very slow moving narrow river. Where is the transfer ferry to the fun boat?

  4. I think many of us totally get what you are saying! It will drive us mad! We had a similar cycle this time around when my hubs was sick at just the wrong time. I was so mad at him and then crying because I didn't want to be mad at him. We do the best we can! Don't beat yourself up!

    1. Thank you. It is so hard not to look back at the situation and wish I could do it over.

  5. I'm rooting for you, you could still time it right tonight! xoxo

  6. Let me start by saying I have never gotten a positive OPK, but when I did the trigger shot last month, the doctor told us to have sex that night and the next night. I went in for an ultrasound the next day and they said to have sex again that night (I'm not sure this doctor understands the high amount of pressure and low amount of romance/passion he imparted on us). Everyone's different, but based on that, I think there is definitely still a chance that you didn't miss the window this month. FX!!!

  7. Be comforted in the fact that you aren't the only one to react irrationally and snap. It's such an awful place to be when we have dreams that continue to go unfulfilled. You handled it much more gracefully than I would have, giving him a kiss goodbye and telling him you love him. It usually takes me much longer to get to that point! He sounds like a good man for not getting angry in return. Hugs to you both.