Monday, June 10, 2013
I Should B sorry
Yesterday was CD20. I did my morning tests.
CBFM= peak (most fertile)
CB dOPK = smiley face (positive)
FR OPK = 1 dark line & 1 light line (negative)
Last night at around 10pm I tested again.
CB dOPK = smiley face (positive)
Wondfo OPK = two strong lines (positive)
I knew we needed to BD yesterday. DH doesn't like to know the O days so I didn't tell him.
Oh, before I continue we did BD around 4 am yesterday.
Much to my detriment, DH had terrible indigestion yesterday and all through the night. We tried to BD but he just wasn't comfortable and it was really bothering him.
So, I went to bed last night sad that we had missed our chance.
This morning I woke up with terrible ovulation cramps. I panicked. This was it. Ovulation is happening. I didn't want all this tracking and testing to be for nothing.
I wanted to BD NOW so we didn't miss our chance.
DH was already up and getting ready for work.
Subtlety was not going to work.
So, I said, " um we need to have sex".
DH : "like now?"
Me: " because I'm ovulating"
DH: " do you see what time it is? I have to get to work"
Me: "you've left late before"
DH: " I have a deadline I can't be late"
Me: in a nasty tone :-( " fine we will just get pregnant next month !"
DH: not a nasty tone " I know this is a big deal, but if I lose my job that would be pretty terrible"
Me: still nasty tone "fine, whatever"
I then changed the subject.
I kissed him goodbye and said, "I love you" when he left for work minutes later.
Now he is gone and I am a HOT MESS. I have so many emotions running through me.
I'm angry at me for getting nasty. There was no need for it and it didn't help anything.
I'm angry at IF and that we need TI and testing.
I'm angry with DH for having indigestion last night and then saying no this morning to go to work.
I am angry with my body. Why can't it be normal. Why do other women have babies and get pregnant and I can't ?!?!
I am mostly ANGRY with myself for getting so worked up about this.
I am sad that I could snap at DH like that.
I am sad that this might mean we have to wait longer for our BFP and take home baby.
I am hurt at being rejected (although I get it) by my DH. No matter the circumstances, being rejected hurts.
Tears are running down my face as all these emotions are overwhelming.
Now I just feel regret.
I am so sorry I got nasty and felt anger. Why does this happen???
I tested with the CBFM, CB digital OPK and a FR OPK this morning. (After DH left)
CB dOPK = open circle (negative)
FR OPK = 1 dark line & 1 slightly dark line (i think its positive)
Here is a picture of the tests
Now, I am hopeful that if we BD tonight that we may not have missed our window of opportunity.
Sadly I know if we get a BFN this cycle I will always look back and wonder "what if"
I hate IF !
I hate TI !
I hate how emotional I am about all this !
I have sent a sorry test to DH and all is well.
Sorry you had to see my nastiness bloggie world. I would like to say it'll be my last but I know that IF can bring out the worst in us sometimes (this is my first experience with it)
Do you think we missed our window? Or do you think the window is still open?
Please be honest. Sugar coating and false hopes are not what I need right now. Sorry if that is harsh but its true.
Have a good day and thanks for stopping by!