Sunday, October 20, 2013

I Should B happy for others...

I am am member of a IF support group on FB. This group of ladies has helped me through some tough times and I do not know what I would do without them. 

They were very supportive when I shared we would be taking a break from TTC after the Clomid rounds were not successful. 

The same week I announced we would be taking a break two ladies posted BFPs. I was immediately depressed for me and not as happy for them as I wanted to be. Since that time about 30% of the women have posted their BFPs. I again was depressed and only slightly happy for them. I feel awful that I'm not more happy for them. 

I have been afraid to write and publish this post as some of the ladies in my group read my blog. I do not want them to think badly of me. 

This morning I woke up to cramps and another BFP that wasn't mine staring me in the face. I'm on CD3 and It was mocking me. It boldly told me I was infertile and this was the only way I would ever see a BFP (Okay it really didn't talk to me) . 

I do not want a single thing to go wrong in these women's lives. I am looking forward to seeing them get their take home babies. It will not be easy for me. 

Today I cry for what I do not have and others do. 

Bloggie world I'm a hot mess and i hate myself for it.


  1. Heather, I am sorry you are feeling this way. I really don't know what to say, as I've never felt anything but happiness for people in the IF world that have gotten pregnant. Don't forget that I've been trying for my family for 14 years and have had two miscarriages, so it's not that I haven't walked in your shoes. These bfp's always gave me reason to hope though. I hope that you will be able to find a way out of this darkness and that someday we will be celebrating your baby as well. I'm not saying you don't have the right to feel the way you do. it's just not a place I've been. Hugs to you!

  2. Take some time for yourself. I know you are happy for these woman, but also want this for you so badly. Always here for you.

  3. Heather, I am sorry. You know that I have been here before. Having these feelings are natural and many of us have been here before. The feelings don't make you a bad person or a bitter person and I know that the feelings can feel a bit like a double edge sword. Know that I am thinking of you and that I am sending you a great big hug!!!

  4. Your feelings are your own, and you should not be ashamed. This is a horrible emotional rollercoaster we are on, and we are all at different stages. Hugs to you.

  5. I'm sorry, Heather. Big hugs to you. Your day will come! I just know it!!

  6. Heather, I sometimes feel the same way you do. I think we can be 100% ecstatic for our friends but still feel a little bit bad that we're not there...yet. Just don't let those feelings dominate your mind. As Amber said, let's try to use it as hope that we will one day experience this as well.