Friday, December 27, 2013

I Should B a friend

I have read many blog posts, Facebook posts and comments about friendships in the IF world. Some are about how non-IF friendships don't work and some are where they do. This got me thinking about my friendships and how I feel about them. I don't have a lot of friends and that is okay. I have a small set of REALLY good friends and it works. I got to thinking about how with some of my friends we talk about my IF struggles and others I don't. I don't have any true close friendships with an IF. I've read and even written myself that nobody gets us IFers except other IFers. I thought would I want a friend who suffers from IF as well?

This is what I came up with. In no particular order. 

Would I want to talk about IF every time I speak with this friend? I already think about my IF every moment of everyday. Would I want every moment of a friendship that way? 

We would compare our IF struggles (maybe not openly but it probably would happen). It could start to feel like a competition. I don't want to be in a competition with a friend. Who will respond better to treatment? Who will get the BFP first and would the friendship survive it?

We would understand the unfairness of it all. 
-No insurance coverage for infertility (angerly shakes fist). 
-Can't drink because "maybe" this could be our cycle. 
-No caffeine because it thins the uterian wall. 
-The damn thermometer we use every morning. 
-The multiple pills we take for various IF reasons. 
-The stress over the timing of getting it all timed out.
- The frustrations over Timed Freaking Intercourse and how we think it is affecting or marriages/relationships. 
- not remembering the last time we bought something for ourselfs because we need to save every penny for just a chance to have a child of our own. 

Would a friendship survive all this? Would it be a friendship so close that we'd feel like sisters? Would it feel like a bad break-up when one of us has children and the other doesn't? 

Mostly my thought is thatI don't want a friend that suffers though IF. Mainly because I wouldn't wish this dreadful experience on anyone. I cannot think of one positive from being infertile. NOT ONE! 

I am beyond thankful for my IF friends that I've made after I found out about where I stand as far as having children is. It is nice to have people that "get it" but it sucks there are so many of us. 

Today I am angry. Well to be honest I have been angry for 5 years. I am angry that we have to suffer (yes SUFFER) to have hope to have a child. It is exhausting how much we all hope and fall each cycle. I know some women are able to just accept that this is how their life is and not be angry about it. I wish I was one of them. I'm NOT. 

I realize that a Fair is a place with a Ferris wheel and funnel cakes and Not life. 

That doesn't change the fact that life isn't fair. 

IF has become a huge part of my life. I am in support groups. I have this blog. I follow many other blogs. Every day I read about IF and live IF and I'm exhausted. 

I thought about just unplugging from the IF world to give myself a mental time-out and I realized it would be like losing a friendship. I don't want to lose a friendship that I talk to each day. I already think about IF daily and unplugging from the IF internet world would not change that. At the same time I am tired and exhausted from thinking about IF all the time. UGH it is a vicious cycle. 

When I started writing this post I did not intend for it to end this way. I planned in being positive. I guess I just don't have any positive left right now. I am in no way angry at or with other IFers. I'm just angry that we have to be infertile in the first place. I'm angry that I can't be Susie Sunshine all the time. I wish I knew how others did it. I wish it wasn't something I had to work for. And while I'm wishing for things... I wish I wasn't infertile


  1. Heather I really love this post. I wish that I had a friendship in real life that could withstand my infertility. I don't. Even my best friend doesn't want to hear about our struggles day after day, month after month and year after year. In a way I do understand. It is so hard to be compassionate and understanding of something you have never dealt with. In other ways it makes me sad. Having my online support and blog has saved my sanity!

  2. "It is exhausting how much we all hope and fall each cycle." Yes. This. So much. Every single month, I'm constantly telling myself to stop getting excited. It's not going to happen. But every cycle, I start over with this incredible hope that it will work. Exhausting is exactly what it is.

  3. I just found your blog…and I wish you weren't infertile too. I wish it for all of us. I'm not sure if you'll be back after some time to write again…but I'll be hear to following along if you do. I know what it feels like to be exhausted after 5 years of this. Take all the time you need.