Friday, December 27, 2013

I Should B a friend

I have read many blog posts, Facebook posts and comments about friendships in the IF world. Some are about how non-IF friendships don't work and some are where they do. This got me thinking about my friendships and how I feel about them. I don't have a lot of friends and that is okay. I have a small set of REALLY good friends and it works. I got to thinking about how with some of my friends we talk about my IF struggles and others I don't. I don't have any true close friendships with an IF. I've read and even written myself that nobody gets us IFers except other IFers. I thought would I want a friend who suffers from IF as well?

This is what I came up with. In no particular order. 

Would I want to talk about IF every time I speak with this friend? I already think about my IF every moment of everyday. Would I want every moment of a friendship that way? 

We would compare our IF struggles (maybe not openly but it probably would happen). It could start to feel like a competition. I don't want to be in a competition with a friend. Who will respond better to treatment? Who will get the BFP first and would the friendship survive it?

We would understand the unfairness of it all. 
-No insurance coverage for infertility (angerly shakes fist). 
-Can't drink because "maybe" this could be our cycle. 
-No caffeine because it thins the uterian wall. 
-The damn thermometer we use every morning. 
-The multiple pills we take for various IF reasons. 
-The stress over the timing of getting it all timed out.
- The frustrations over Timed Freaking Intercourse and how we think it is affecting or marriages/relationships. 
- not remembering the last time we bought something for ourselfs because we need to save every penny for just a chance to have a child of our own. 

Would a friendship survive all this? Would it be a friendship so close that we'd feel like sisters? Would it feel like a bad break-up when one of us has children and the other doesn't? 

Mostly my thought is thatI don't want a friend that suffers though IF. Mainly because I wouldn't wish this dreadful experience on anyone. I cannot think of one positive from being infertile. NOT ONE! 

I am beyond thankful for my IF friends that I've made after I found out about where I stand as far as having children is. It is nice to have people that "get it" but it sucks there are so many of us. 

Today I am angry. Well to be honest I have been angry for 5 years. I am angry that we have to suffer (yes SUFFER) to have hope to have a child. It is exhausting how much we all hope and fall each cycle. I know some women are able to just accept that this is how their life is and not be angry about it. I wish I was one of them. I'm NOT. 

I realize that a Fair is a place with a Ferris wheel and funnel cakes and Not life. 

That doesn't change the fact that life isn't fair. 

IF has become a huge part of my life. I am in support groups. I have this blog. I follow many other blogs. Every day I read about IF and live IF and I'm exhausted. 

I thought about just unplugging from the IF world to give myself a mental time-out and I realized it would be like losing a friendship. I don't want to lose a friendship that I talk to each day. I already think about IF daily and unplugging from the IF internet world would not change that. At the same time I am tired and exhausted from thinking about IF all the time. UGH it is a vicious cycle. 

When I started writing this post I did not intend for it to end this way. I planned in being positive. I guess I just don't have any positive left right now. I am in no way angry at or with other IFers. I'm just angry that we have to be infertile in the first place. I'm angry that I can't be Susie Sunshine all the time. I wish I knew how others did it. I wish it wasn't something I had to work for. And while I'm wishing for things... I wish I wasn't infertile

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

I Should B sharing our vacation...in photos

As promised here are photos from our anniversary trip to Walt Disney World. I tried to keep it at a minimum but it is quite a few :-)

We stayed at Disney's Coronado Springs Resort.

The ceiling in the resort lobby. SO PRETTY!


The beautiful fountain under the pretty ceiling.


The view of the main building at the resort at night.


Our room was behind that green door.


View from our resort room door.

The beach (with hammocks!) at the resort.

THIS! -it was at the "dig site" also known as the main pool area.

First King size bed we have slept in. It was uber comfy


We played mini golf at Disney's Winter Summerland Miniature Golf. There was a sand (summer) and winter (snow) side. They were both cute and fun.
Goofy from summer side and Minnie from the winter side.

From the winter side we had to hit the ball under Santa's feet.

Winter side. When you hit the ball under the present Mickey popped out :-)


Summer side (but it's hard to tell). We asked some fellow golfers to take our picture.
Next are the many (but no where near all) of the Christmas trees we saw and thought to take pictures of.

Small tree at the resort

Extremely large tree at Downtown Disney


Large tree at the resort



Very large tree at Epcot

Us in front of the large resort tree 


 Next are two random photos I took of festive mickey shaped things.

"Rockette" type Mickey shaped kicking things at Hollywood Studios

Santa Mickey Topiary Thing at Downtown Disney
We did a lot of things and went to 3 parks. These photos are of my favorites from this trip. It was not our first Disney trip and will not be our last. It truly is a magical place!


Happy Holidays Bloggie World!


Wednesday, December 18, 2013

I Should B hard at work

I am typing this while at work! SHHH... don't tell. I feel like such a rebel! I am not in any way ignoring my job duties. The time is 0500 (we use military time at work), the patients are asleep and the phones are quiet ( I probably just jinxed it all). I am in my office where I've caught up on all my paperwork and am "watching" (really more like listening) to my favorite movie The Santa Clause. I know tomorrow will be different so I am taking advantage of the oportunity.

Today is my first day back to work in seven days. Don't worry I wasn't sick or anything. I was actually on vacation for seven blissful days. Five days were spent at the Disney Resort Coranado Springs for our anniversary. As of 12/12/13 we have been married for ONE YEAR. This may not seem like a long time for some but for me it is HUGE. If you didn't know this is my second marriage. My first marriage I am pretty sure I was drugged or in a state of psychosis because I have NO CLUE why I was with him or even married him. Some people say "Love is blind" I think i was just plain BLIND. Anyways, my first marriage was something I try to forget about but of course some things stick with you whether you want them to or not. The things that stick with me are all terrible events that ended in physical and emotional pain (I don't want to dwell on that now). In hindsight, my first marriage was over before it began; however, it was "over" after three months, we seperated after 6 months, filed for divorce at 11 months and finalized at 16 months. I love my current husband more than words can say but those scared feelings will creep up on me sometimes. Now that we have made it past the first year milestone I know that I will be experiencing those scared feelings less and less. :-) Our anniversary trip was great and I would love to share photos with you but since I'm on a work computer I don't have access to them. I'll try to upload some once I get home.

Right three days before our vacation began I got a +OPK. I got another +OPK the next day. I was so excited to get these before or trip so we would not have to stress about TI. I have been checking my BBT daily however due to my crazy sleep schedule the temps have been all over the place and taken at different times each day (like hours different). I did bring my BBT thermometer on our trip. While on vacation, we woke up at the same time each day so my temps were "regular" I got my temp rise five days after my first +OPK. I have no clue if it was because I ovulated more than 48 hours after my +OPK or because I was finally taking my BBT at the same time each day. ANY insight from you Bloggie World is welcomed!! So we either timed it right or missed it completly. It would be wonderful for this to be our Christmas miracle but, I don't want to get my hopes up. I did ask the Magic 8 Ball at work if this is our cycle for a take home baby and it said "it's decidedly so" or something like that. I did however ask it if we will get our BFP before Christmas and it said "yes". I realized I was not specific enough and asked the question again specifying 2013 and it said "no". I have NO CLUE why I am putting so much faith in a plastic fortune teller. I guess I've reached the point of desperation.

Update on my sister. She is pretty much sick everyday and in bed 80% of the day. She gets winded just walking to the kitchen. I am unable to be with her as much as I would like but my neice and nephew and mom are there. I still take her to all her doctor appointments though. It is the one thing only I can do or as my mother says " thank God you are strong enough for this".

Bloggie World life is not fair. Fair is a place you ride the ferris wheel and get funnel cakes.

Have a good day Bloggie World and cherish the time you have with those you love.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

I Should B busy

Okay so I have a lot of updating to do. I want to apologize for my absence. I have been busy but, that is not an excuse.

So in no apparent order...

My sister is doing better. She is taking her medicine for hypertension and adjusting her diet to accommodate this. Her cancer does not appear to have spread beyond her uterus and she will be scheduled for a hysterectomy soon. She is in pain and tired all the time so, the sooner the surgery the better. Also, She told my mom and her kids. I was/am so proud of her!

...

I am participating in a sock exchange that the lovely lady at Who Shot Down My Stork put together. I can't wait to receive my socks from my partner.

...

Speaking of exchanges, I'm doing an ornament exchange that was set up by Teresa at Where the Bleep is my Stork. I am super excited to receive a new ornament for my tree. Christmas is my favorite holiday!!

...

I still love my job! The hectic schedule is playing a tole on my body and mind. Some days I am awake for over 24 hours before I get to sleep. With work and my sister's appointments plus any other things I need to get done for my home, I just don't get to sleep. Hopefully my schedule will balance out soon and not have me working varying shifts for too much longer.

...

So, since I don't sleep too often, it has also affected my cycle. The ability to do BBT at the same time each day is pointless because I never go to sleep and wake up at the same time each day, if I even sleep that is. I will be at the mercy of OPKs this cycle. I am also struggling to take my Metformin. It affects my sugar levels and I need to take it at about the same time each day....yeah about that :-/...I did Clomid this cycle, 150mg on CD3-7. Well actually it was CD 3-6 and CD8. I missed my CD7 dose and took it 8 hours later on CD8. Per Dr. Goggle and my IF friends this should not have an adverse effect on my cycle. This is an unmedicated cycle with the only change is I am taking the Clomid on CD3-7 instead of CD5-9. Well, besides my hectic schedule affecting everything. I think it would be a miracle if this is out BFP cycle . I mean, why not? I've had cycles where I did not falter from my medications or charting and they were BFNs.

...

Whew! That is a lot. I have to go do laundry now and prep for working 24 hours in a 32 hour span on Thanksgiving Day and Black Friday. Gosh I'm tired just thinking about it :-/

Hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving, Bloggie World.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

I Should B strong

Thank you Bloggie World for your support for my sister, myself, and our family. 

Yesterday was by far one of the worst days of my life. 

When I wrote my post about my sister's news it was a pure raw emotional time. Somehow I managed to get to work in one piece as the tears ran down my face. Once at work, the first person that asked me if I was okay got more than she bargained for. I broke down sobbing. It was the first person that had talked to me since I found out the news. I was able to get it together though. Well until the next person asked me if I was ok. I had to ask this person to please tell others to not ask me that. At this point people were probably going to talk about me either way so why not have it explained, just as long as I didn't have to do it. I was asked by my trainer (I'm still very new at work) if I "should be here right now" and I replied with "probably not but I'm not leaving so let's just get to work". I needed the distraction of work. Any time I stopped thinking or focusing on work tears would run down my face. My trainer was very patient with me and I'm so thankful I work with good people. The clients were extra rowdy last night (I work 4p-12:30a this week) and also helped keep my mind off things. By the time I was out of work my emotions were in a better place. My biggest hurdle was receiving the information from my sister so soon before going into work (she thought I was on day shift and only planned to leave me a voicemail to call her back) that I didn't have time to "lose it" fully before reporting to work. 

When I got home at 2am (had to work over a bit) DH was still up. He wanted to stay up to see how I was. At this point I was all cried out and only wanted to talk about facts. 

Facts:
1. My sister can beat this. 
2. We have to be strong for her and each other. 
3. If the worst happens DH and I are willing to move so my niece and nephew don't have to change schools. This would give us each at least an hour commute to work maybe more.
3. We need to focus on the time we do have and not the time we may be losing. 

These were the facts at the time. I hope to be able to add to the list. It is all still new/raw but I'm trying to stay strong. It's hardest to stay strong when I'm alone at home or in the car.

My sister will have her first appointment towards ridding herself of this stuff on November 13th (the earliest appointment available). There is a plan of a hysterectomy hopefully no later than Christmas. The doctors say they have to take it one step at a time. Currently my sisters white blood count is low and her blood pressure is dangerously high. They have started her on medications to help. 


Did I mention my sister wants me to tell our mother????!!? My sister said she cannot do it. The idea of this terrifies me but I will find the strength to do it. I will not tell my mom till she returns from her vacation with her friends. We want her to enjoy that time. 
She also is not going to tell her kids right now. She wants them to not have to worry and be able to enjoy their lives. 

So for now the only place to share my feelings (besides the random break down at work) is with DH and you Bloggie world. I may tell my friends but it is in no way going on Facebook. My biggest struggle is I talk to my mom at least three times a week (sometimes more). We are very close. I can't share I'm upset or what about. I worry how my mother will handle this news but I know I get my strength from her and hope she can find it during this time. 

This will be a tough journey for us all. 

Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers Bloggie world. I will keep you updated as best I can. 

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

I Should B upset

I just got a call from my sister. 

She has uterian cancer. 

I am heartbroken, upset, crying, in shock, sad, and so many more emotions I can't describe. 

She called to discuss her will and living will with me and tell me I'm her person. 

If things don't go well I will become the gaurdian to her children (14 and 16). I will decide if she lives or dies. 

How is this happening right now???

Why?

I know people beat this but there are others that don't. ... 

I now have to go to work and try not to cry the whole time. 

I feel like I'm dying... 

Bloggie world please pray that this is NOT how I become a parent

Monday, October 28, 2013

I Should B okay

My last post was very gloomy. Thank you Bloggie world for the supportive comments. 

My cousin K has also been a wonderful support system. She is always willing to listen to IF struggles even though she isn't an IF sufferer. 

So, after my last post I think God took it to the next level to test me. Well I'm not positive it was a test but it sure felt like one. 

At work ,two days after my post, a woman who was 27 weeks pregnant was brought in. She was high off street drugs and had stab wounds to her abdomen. Less than two hours later another woman came in who was 31 weeks pregnant and had just tried to kill herself and her baby. Both of these women* needed help and I had to step out to get ahold of my emotions before I could talk with them. 

At first I didn't know how to feel. This was my first exposure to women like this. Hearing of people like this and seeing it for yourself are two different things. 
I was shocked to say the least. I was angry at those women for not appreciating what they'd been blessed with. But I knew I needed to find a way to not let my emotions stop me from doing the job I love. 

While I was on my "time-out" a coworker got a call from her doctor. Her doctor confirmed she was pregnant! All her tests at home had been negative. Seeing her face during that moment was a turning point for me. She was so full of joy and it was contagious. :-) Seeing her reaction and hearing her news brought me nothing but happiness. Not a single pang of "why not me" or "when will it be my turn". 

This was a day full of tests of my emotional strength. I was able to return and help the women objectively. Not because i was happy for them but because I knew life throws you curve balls and you can't be afraid of them. I still had some negative feelings about how they were mistreating themselves but they were not feelings so strong that I was unable to preform my job duties. I don't know what the final outcome of those women and their babies will be but I know I was able to perform my job duties towards helping them. They have to decide whether to keep it up. I will remain hopeful for them and other women like them. 

Since then friends on Facebook have announced pregnancies and I didn't feel anything but joy. 

I know that one day I will be getting the call from my doctor telling me I'm pregnant. My face will fill with elation and pure happiness. Until that day I'm happy for the women that DO get the call.it gives me hope. I'm sure I will have a few down moments but I think the worst is past me.

I think I needed to hit rock bottom emotionally to get to a good place. I'm not happy about how I got here and hope I didn't hurt anyone in the process. 

Life can throw you curve balls Bloggie world and sometimes they might hit you head on. Just remember to pick yourself up because you are a survivor. 







*details were altered for privacy purposes

Sunday, October 20, 2013

I Should B happy for others...

I am am member of a IF support group on FB. This group of ladies has helped me through some tough times and I do not know what I would do without them. 

They were very supportive when I shared we would be taking a break from TTC after the Clomid rounds were not successful. 

The same week I announced we would be taking a break two ladies posted BFPs. I was immediately depressed for me and not as happy for them as I wanted to be. Since that time about 30% of the women have posted their BFPs. I again was depressed and only slightly happy for them. I feel awful that I'm not more happy for them. 

I have been afraid to write and publish this post as some of the ladies in my group read my blog. I do not want them to think badly of me. 

This morning I woke up to cramps and another BFP that wasn't mine staring me in the face. I'm on CD3 and It was mocking me. It boldly told me I was infertile and this was the only way I would ever see a BFP (Okay it really didn't talk to me) . 

I do not want a single thing to go wrong in these women's lives. I am looking forward to seeing them get their take home babies. It will not be easy for me. 

Today I cry for what I do not have and others do. 

Bloggie world I'm a hot mess and i hate myself for it.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

I Should B aware that I'm not alone

I admit that I am having a hard time figuring out what to write on my blog. 

My new job is taking up a lot of my time. However, due to privacy laws I cannot write about details of my day. They are interesting details! I love my job and want to be able to share my experiences with everyone. Luckily I can share a little (not all) bit with DH. His feed back and support is great!

Yesterday I was at the laundry mat at our apartment complex (I wish our place had a w/d). It was pretty busy so I stayed mainly to myself. Normally I do not talk to anyone there. I keep to myself and get my laundry done quickly. Well in this occasion there was a back up at the dryers. A woman was using FIVE of the dryers and had left her clothes drying. When they were done, she still was not back. So one other woman and I had to wait for dryers to open up. Naturally we began to talk. Our conversation started with our experiences living in our apartment complex. Then it moved to where we grew up. She is from England by way of New York. I'm born and raised in the Tampa area. I have no idea how but our topic shifted to whether we had children. I hesitated and almost just said a simple "no". Then I thought why not share that I was an IF woman. I basically said that we want children but that we would need medical help to achieve this. Her response was something along the lines of oh yeah me too. 
Turns out she has PCOS!! 
I could not believe it! 
She is younger than I am and just like me at that age she doesn't really know what PCOS all entails.

I ,of course , jumped at the chance to share as much as I could about it while our clothes tumble dried. 

She is on BCP and Metformin. 

She asked me what is one advice I could give her about it. I had never thought about this. Only one ??? 

Then it hit me. 

"If you envision the man you are with to be the father of your children then start trying NOW. Do not wait. Do not stop go. Do not collect $200"

While all PCOSers are not the same, we all struggle. It is better to know sooner rather than later that more aggressive treatments will be needed. Plus, if you want to have more than one child the journey could be longer. 

There is never the perfect circumstances to have children for anyone. If you wait for that time then you could miss your chance. 

My advice was not enlightening or prophetic but it was from my heart. Given the chance I would say it again. Maybe she needed to meet me that day. Maybe it was a reminder to me that I am not alone in my IF struggle. Whatever the reason our paths crossed as we cleaned our clothes, I am thankful. I hope I helped her understand PCOS more and what it can mean when TTC. Even if she doesn't listen to my advice today, I hope she remembers it in the future. 

I am happy we met even if ever so briefly. 



What would your bit of advice be Bloggie world?

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

I Should B regrouping

Today is CD3. That's right, another failed cycle. 

We have decided to take an extended break from TI and medicated cycles. I am okay 90% of the time. I know we need the break. This of course does not mean I will stop temping most mornings or taking my metformin (at a lower dosage). The metformin helps me with my IR which affects many aspects of my body. 

In these following months our focus will shift to getting healthier. I even signed up for another 5k. It is the Zombie 5k :-) yep I'm gonna run from zombies! I hope I survive. I am going to get back on the weight watchers wagon. Losing any amount of weight will benefit me in many ways. Hey if I can ovulate and possibly get pregnant then that's ok too.

I have been using our TI, possible pregnancies, and medications as excuses. I stopped exercising because the medicine was having adverse effects. I used the idea that a pregnancy could be just around the corner so I didn't sign up for runs or plan things too far in advance. I stopped caffeine. I stopped drinking.

I basically let TTC control me and put parts of my life on hold. 

It did not even hit me that I was doing this until I was so excited to sign up to run from zombies. There is no way I would have done that a week ago. The run is in November and I would not have wanted to spend the money and not be able to participate. Now I will sign up for things. I will buy new clothes (hopefully smaller) without worrying that they may not fit in a few months and just put them back. 

I put too much into TTC and lost parts of myself along the way.

This next chapter will be about finding me again and remembering how that is important to me.

As a counselor I know what a person should and should not do. I know what their actions mean and don't mean. However, I have never been good at analyzing myself. I will take a step back and figure it out.

This is just another chapter in our journey to getting our happy ending. 

I don't know what I'll write about on my blog but I will write. Please stick with me as I figure out this thing called life.

Have a good day Bloggie world and do something today that makes you smile :-)

Saturday, September 14, 2013

I Should B taking a break

Tonight was Date Night with DH. We went to a place that serves dinner while playing a movie. It was a cute movie but not too great. The movie couldn't hold my attention throughout the entire thing. One reason that I love movies is that they can take me away from my world for just a little while. Since that didn't happen tonight my mind went to the topic it normally does,TTC. I know I am not the only one that thinks about this 9 out of 10 times. I came to the conclusion/realization that if this is not our BFP cycle then I want wait no I NEED to take next cycle off. My main reason is I need a mental/emotional break from TTC. Another reason for the break is my new job. Me and my body will be getting used to working crazy shifts. More than likely ill be all over the place with my shifts as ill be the newbie. I am looking forward to it actually :-). This will be an adjustment to DH and my relationship too. We will have to get used to it and TI during all this would not help. So, yep we will take a break. One part of me is happy and another part is sad/lost. Mostly though I'm relieved. The weight on my shoulders has lifted. 

I don't know if this break will only be for one cycle or many cycles. We will just take it one day at a time. 

Today I am 8DPO. I have felt differently during this TWW than past ones. I've had tender breasts and been sleeping more. However, this could be attributed to being in a higher dose of clomid this cycle and being out of school. 

We are not out of the game till AF shows her nasty head. 

Have a fun weekend Bloggie world and as always, thanks for reading. 

Thursday, September 12, 2013

I Should B employed

I'm sure many of you have noticed my lack of posting. I apologize for this. I thought once I graduated that I'd have all this free time and in turn be posting all the time. Instead I've been applying to jobs and perfecting my résumé. 

Funny how things never seem to work how you planned. 

Speaking of plans...

I had a plan for myself when it came to my career after graduation. I was going to apply at certain places and they would all be knocking at my door based in my enthusiasm and education. Let's face it, I'm awesome and everyone else will see this too. Yeah that bubble quickly deflated with the words "experience required". I know I am not the first person to face this dilemma. How do you get experience without someone giving you a chance? So, I resorted to applying to lower level positions that I was over educated for just to get my foot in the door. I was willing to change bed pans if I had to. Of course then I got the "your over qualified" response. Yep I couldn't win. While I was getting responses to my resume and applications, I was not getting interviews. I needed at least one to feel like all my hard work at finding a job was paying off (it isn't easy). Then it happened. I received a call from a facility i had applied for a lower level position. It was a starting point. I had an interview. 

The interview went well over an hour long. My interviewer asked why I wanted the position I'd applied for since it was clear my education exceeded the requirements. I was honest. I said to get my foot in the door. Apparently that was the right answer because he told me he would like to hire me ,but not for the position I'd applied for. For a position they had not even posted yet. For the position that I really wanted that other places would not let me even interview for. 

I am gainfully employed !!!!!! (I start in October)

I did it!!!!!

I got a "real grown up job" !

So this just proves that never giving up pays off in the end. 

I hope the same applies to TTC. 

I am 6DPO in the awful TWW. 

I'm off to have a celebratory dance with my cat. I hope he doesn't barf on me :-)

Thanks for reading Bloggie world and have a fab day. 

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

I Should B writing a review

I've decided I want to do some reviews on products or things women may want to use when TTC. This may be a regular thing or a one time thing. We will just see how it goes. Also, please bear with me as I get the hang of reviewing things. It might not be all official but it will be real.  


Before I start this review I want to share that I am in no way getting compensated for my statements in this post (but I'm not opposed to it. Lol).

Today I will be reviewing the Glow Fertility app. As of today it is only available on iOS devices. 

This is their logo

This app just launched at the beginning of August. It offers a guarantee  that you will get pregnant with this app in 10 months or they will help pay for fertility treatment. Naturally, like any IF sufferer I was immediately skeptical to anything that promises this. I downloaded it and read up on what Glow has to offer. 

The Glow app itself is entirely free to download. To get money towards fertility treatment you put $50 a month into a pool of money for 10 months. If by the end of the 10 months you are not pregnant then you and the other couples who started at the same time and also did not become pregnant will split the money. The photo below is how the Glow app explains it in simple terms 


This money is not sent to you but rather a Glow approved fertility clinc. In order to qualify for the money at the end you must use the Glow app on a daily basis, pay the $50 every month, and not be pregnant. After I learned more about this feature I thought it could not hurt to try it. Especially since that money would go towards fertility stuff anyways. So I clicked on the "join" button. Before I could be a part of this, I had to answer 3 questions to see if I qualify. I am using my memory to recall the questions since when I filled out the questionnaire I didn't know I'd be writing a review so I didn't jot them down. These are yes or no questions. 

1.have you or your partner ever had or been treated for an STD?

2. Have you and your partner been TTC for more than 6 months?

3. Have you or your partner ever been treated by a fertility doctor?

So, I answered the questions and it said there are 192 applications in front of me. I would be notified by email in regards to my acceptance/rejection. I think I'll get rejected since I answered "yes" to question 3. 

Next I thought I'd see what else this app has to offer a couple trying to conceive. This app is geared toward the couple not just the woman. If your partner also has iOS device(mine doesn't) then they can download the app as well and you can sync up. Essentially this will keep your partner up to date about what is going on with your body . I like the idea of not having to mention this stuff to DH and he is always in the know (as long as he actually looks at the app).  I have not seen if the partner app is any different but I assume it is not too different. Sadly, this is my favorite feature of this app and we can't use it since DH is anti-apple products and I'm pro-apple products. 

This app asks the woman the typical questions upon start up. Cycle length? Age? Length TTC? Length of menses? There might be a few more but you get the idea. 

The app is visually pleasing. It will tell you the percentage chance of you getting pregnant each day based off your data input. The more data it has, the more accurate the percentage. I also like this feature since it is right there when you open the app. However, I am skeptical about its accuracy. 
Below are some screen shots I took of the app. 

The pictures below are if the Log area. 


The "update period" section lets you adjust your period length with each cycle. It does not allow you to enter flow level on a daily basis. The "did you have sex" section obviously is asking if you had sex. If you select "yes" then it asks position of female during BD and if she orgasmed. 

The "performed CM check" section will show bars that you can slide the correct way to represent your CM. 


Next comes the precise info area. 
If you are experiencing "emotional discomfort" it asks you a very limited options. Clicking "other" does not allow you to type in the emotion. 


 For the "physical discomfort" section it does not have an area for cramps but says "ovarian pain". It does not allow for severity of pain to be entered for any of the options. 


Next is the OPK option. It is either pos or neg. there is not an option for a fertility monitor or the advanced OPKs that give a low/high/peak reading. 

Finally there is the BMI ( body mass index) section. You enter your height and weight and it gives you your BMI. 

The last button is self explanatory. "I am pregnant". 

That is pretty much all the app does. It does not let you input medications or vitamins you are taking. It does not show a chart to track your BBT althoughyou can get one emailed to yourself. It does not ask you what time you took your BBT. It only allows one decimal point value for the BBT. It does not allow note taking. It does not allow you to input spotting. 

This app leaves much to be desired. I have not used it a full cycle yet so I don't know if it will tell you if you ovulated based on BBT or an OPK result. Since OPKs cans be wonkey I hope it's not based solely on those. 

I will update y'all after I've used it for awhile. Maybe the app creators will give an amazing update and fix the stuff that isn't too great. Or maybe more options will open up for data once I've used it more (I doubt it).

Review of this app is a thumbs down 👎. 

This app might be useful for the average woman but not an avid TTCer and IF sufferer like myself. 

Personally I prefer the Fertility Friend (FF) app. It allows you to input so many details and analyzes them for you. Plus it has forums and chart comparison. FF offers so much more and then some than Glow. 




Hopefully, you found this review useful. Let me know if I need to change or improve in anything. 

Have a glorious day Bloggie world!

Saturday, August 17, 2013

I Should B heartbroken

I am heartbroken. 

Today is the end of our TWW. 

We are not pregnant. 

:'-(

This was our second TI with Clomid. I thought for sure this was our time (no clue why). 

Today we are meeting up with my mom for her birthday. I so wanted to be able to give her the kind of birthday present you cannot find on the shelf at a store. 

My heart is breaking not only because this was a failed cycle but because my mom won't know the joy of finding out today. She is so supportive with us during our struggles and I just wanted to show her it paid off. 

I have tears running down my face and I'm all blotchy. I totally look the part to celebrate a birthday... Umm not really. 

All I want to do is stay in bed and cry my eyes out. 

Today sucks
IF sucks
BFN suck
AF sucks the most


I hope someone in the Bloggie world is having a better day than mine...

Sunday, August 11, 2013

I Should B DONE !

Yesterday was a HUGE day for me. 

I graduated !!!

It has not entirely sunk in yet. 

Here is my cap decorated by me. 






The words on my cap pretty much explain my outlook on not just my education but everything I do. 

As a child I dreamed of marrying a wonderful man. I believed in it. And after a speed bump I found him! I achieved!

I dreamed I would go to college. I believed I would graduate. I achieved to my get my diploma. 

I have dreamed of having children for more years than I can count. I BELIEVE with my whole self that this will happen. One day I WILL achieve it. 

Speaking of, We are currently in our TWW on 4dpo. I am keeping myself distracted with workouts, applying for jobs, and Netflix. So far I only think about the TWW about every 10/15 minutes as opposed to every single second of the day. It is a small progress. 

My next dream is a "grown up job". I am terrified I won't get hired but I believe that what is meant to be will happen. Hopefully it will happen sooner rather than later :-)

I might not be completely DONE with school forever but I am done for now. We want to focus on our family right now. I will reassess everything in about 3/5 years. 

Thank you for being wonderful readers and being patient with my lack of posting so I could achieve my goal. 
 
Have a glorious day Bloggie world!!


Sunday, July 21, 2013

I Should B stronger

Today was a rough emotional day. 

In fact I'm still dealing with the emotions. 

DH and I have a close circle of friends and family. They consist of both our families and friends we had as individuals and now as a married couple. It isn't that many people and some we consider closer than others. 

Today one of these people told us they will be moving out of state within the year. Being that I don't know who reads my blog I will not narrow it down more than that. Needless to say I am in shock and heartbroken. This person/persons is someone I wanted my child/children to have in their daily/weekly/monthly lives. I had this idea of how our kids would grow up together. My DH is equally upset and maybe more so as he has known them longer than me. I honestly just sat and shook a little and cried. I never dreamt this person would move away. Some other friends/family also have talked about wanting to move away in the next five or so years but never before has this person said anything. I've never even considered it. They were always a constant in my mind. While we understand logically why they want/need to move, on a personal level it is not something we can accept. They asked us not to share this info and it makes it harder. People I would normally turn to when I'm upset I can't because they know them too. DH can't even talk about it. He said he needed a few days before he can get to that point. To see him this upset is very upsetting to me as he is not an overly emotional guy. We know they are serious as they have already been applying to jobs and as soon as one is found they will be starting the moving process. This means it could be sooner than a year. We really don't know. Rationally I get it but it still hurts. 

I am sad. 

Today also marks CD1 for me. A cycle sister I had in my support group got her BFP. I am happy for her. It is hard though to see it. For some reason it is more hard this cycle. Maybe it is because it was our first month with clomid. I admit I wanted to be that couple that got it right the first month. We will be doing clomid again this cycle days 5-9. 

_________________________

This week was finals week for three out of my five summer classes. I am exhausted. I am also happy to say only 3 more weeks till I am done! This is an emotional thing for me since I never thought I would or could achieve this. I am the first generation in my family to graduate from college. It is a BIG deal. 

_________________________

Well these events have led me to be uber  emotional today. I've cried so much today I feel like my eyes need diapers or at least a nighttime maxi pad. They are just leaking. One tear at a time every few minutes. Today is a weepy day. 

Am I the only one this happens to? 

I am thinking it may be because it is the first day of AF. For the average person this day can lead to strong emotions but for an IF person it comes with a bunch more. 

I've felt so stressed and overwhelmed this week that I've even fallen off the weight watchers wagon. I've probably gained ten pounds. 

 You have to be down to get back up and I will. 

I just need to be STRONGER. 

I hope you are having a strong day Bloggie world. Thank you for reading my random blog. 

Have a glorious day!


Thursday, July 11, 2013

I Should B waiting

It is officially 3DPO per FF. which means we are in the dreaded tww stage of things.

I hate waiting. Patience is not a virtue to me.



I honestly have no clue if that is correct. FF says that my temps and my +OPKs don't match up. I got my first +OPK on the same day that ovulation occurred. Normally a +OPK happens the day before you ovulate. I am guessing my surge happened at night the day before and I caught the back end of it when I tested. 

I am not feeling too confidant about this cycle. It was my first time on Clomid and my reactions to it were normal I think. At least now I know when I will ovulate (CD18) when taking Clomid so we can time intercourse better next time. 

Plus, next cycle I will not be so bogged down with schoolwork :-)

 I decided to get this book for my DH.
I asked him if he would even read it since he is not a huge fan of reading and he said he would!

I am hoping it can explain things about IF in a better way than me. 

Hey it can't hurt :-)

______________________________________
On other news:

 a FB friend from high school just found out at 14w3d that her baby does not have a heartbeat. This would have been her and her husbands fourth child and I am so sad for her. :-(

A blogger friend had her twins today and I am super happy for her!

There have been two pregnancies announced in my IF support group. I am beyond ecstatic for those ladies and their miracles. 

 It is a bittersweet day

_____________________________________

Not too much else to share today (although I'm sure I'm forgetting something).

I hope you have had a good day Bloggie world



Sunday, July 7, 2013

I Should B taking deep breaths

I think I have reached my limit to stress. 

School Stress = 15 credits (5classes) over the summer. Today I have 5 tests, 2 papers, and 2 homework assignments due (non of which I've started on)

IF Stress= TI and catching the surge. Temping each morning, POAS at least once if not twice a day to get a pos OPK, and did I mention TI?!? TI is stressing me to the brink. I was so upset about it one night I couldn't sleep. Not the in and out of sleep type but the wide awake kind. 

House Stress= clean house, make dinner, laundry, grocery shopping. 

DH Stress = I don't think he gets it some days. 

Today the DH stress is upsetting me the most. I have altered my daily life drastically to make my body baby friendly. I've lost 35 pounds(and counting), I stopped drinking caffeine, I very rarely (maybe once a month) drink alcohol, I temp everyday, I take meds twice a day, I chart my cycle, and I steer clear of unhealthy/unfriendly foods for baby making and weight loss. I am the one that initiates the TI. I stress about TI getting boring so I try and spice it up but I really suck at it(laughably so). 
Yesterday, as DH was getting his cup of coffee I mentioned how daily caffeine might need to be cut to increase our chances. He flat out said he didn't think that would happen. He needs that morning jolt. I mentioned how I have made all these changes in my life. Is he not willing to do the same? It is only fair as this does take two people. Granted he has stopped drinking alcohol at home and only goes to WoB on Tuesdays and drinks. We bought him vitamins and he says he takes them at work. I feel like I'm doing all this work and then some to get a BFP and he is just along for the ride. I believe this is mainly because he has not heard our infertility diagnosis himself (I'm just guessing and could be wrong). I found out my PCOS and IF diagnosis over three years ago before DH and I were together and married. I have gone to the doctors and heard the devastating news that conceiving will be very difficult. He has only heard this stuff from me. I don't know if he realizes the battle that we are truly up against. I could just be making this a bigger issue than it really is. I could be assuming too much about my DH's feelings ,but when we talk about this IF stuff he pretty much says the decisions are up to me since I know more about it. Ummm well I had to read and ask questions to learn. Ugh! I know this sounds like he isn't supportive and that isn't it either. He will go get OPKs or whatever for me if I ask. He will look at a pee stick and tell me if he sees a second line or whatever if I ask. But I have to ask for stuff. 

I think I just had a light bulb moment. 

The problem is ME. 

I have done this TI, take meds, charting crap before. It led to a crappy marriage being crappier and ending in divorce. For me IF has been in my life for five+ years. Really it's been with me each month since I first got my period at 9yrsold. Each time I didn't get periods for months and then when I did get one the cramps were too painful to function.   

My DH is really just getting his first taste of this. It is our 5th cycle of TI. Our 1st month on Clomid together. 

While it feels like old news for me, I bet it feels new and scary for him. 

I have a sense of urgency when associated with IF. I KNOW first hand that this IS NOT easy. I have lived it. I have seen others live it with varying outcomes. He has not. None of his friends deal with this stuff (if they do I don't think they talk about it).

 I saw a book " What he can expect when she's not expecting" I wonder if I got it for him if he would read it. I bet it would help shed light on things. The reviews of the book are all positive. Has anyone had their DH read it?? I would love to hear from you. 

Needless to say at the end of this VERY LONG post I feel better. Writing this helped me get my emotions in the right place.

 I needed that "deep breath".

 I know the emotional roller coaster of IF is not over. It may be months or years before the ride ends. Despite everything I am happy to have DH along for the ride. 

Nobody has ever said IF is easy. 

Thanks for sticking with me through the journey Bloggie world. Have a good day and good luck to you in whatever you are struggling with. 


Thursday, July 4, 2013

I Should B BBQing

Nothing says Fourth of July celebrations like a BBQ with family followed by fireworks. 

Well I am at home. 

No BBQ for me. 

I am up past my ears in schoolwork. 

This is also my reason for not blogging or commenting as of late. I have not forgotten you all. I try to read blogs when I can. 

On ttc front, I took 100mg of clomid CD5-9. I am now CD14 waiting for ovulation. 

Oh and as of today I've shed a total of 37.5 pounds. 

Only a month left of college :-) 

Back to schoolwork I go. 

Happy Independence Day Bloggie world!! 

Monday, June 24, 2013

I Should B making this my theme song

Just discovered this music video.

It is a country song about infertility. 

It seriously could be my theme song. 

I had a good friend get pregnant at 14 years old in high school. I had a friend that gave up a baby for adoption at 18 years old while in college. I have a friend that chose to have an abortion at 21 years old. 

Le sigh :-/


On ttc front. I start my first round of Clomid tomorrow. I am not too hopeful mainly because hope is hard to find so close to a failed cycle. 

Have a good day Bloggie world. 



Monday, June 17, 2013

I Should B paying attention

I have a midterm today :-/

It is online and due by 11:59pm

So, I have my book out to study. 

I cannot seem to stay focused. I need to study. I know I do not have all the information down pat. 

However, all I can think about is my TWW   .
I am 6DPO. 

Our timing was pretty great I think. Per FF we have a 46% chance that we conceived (based solely on TI). 46% is a high and hopeful number ,but it doesn't factor in PCOS or any other number of things that could go wrong.

So, I sit here worried and over analyzing everything we did or did not do this cycle. I am already thinking of things we can do differently if/when this is not our BFP cycle. 

Ugh!!

I wish I could turn this part of my brain off and just pay attention to my school work. 

Sadly, I know that until we get a BFP or AF shows herself I will not stop. Of course in either of those scenarios more worries will ensue. 

Am I the only one that does this to herself?

Have a good Monday Bloggie world. Thanks for stopping by. 

______________

Right after posting this I started spotting :-/ Guess I am out this cycle......

Bummer :-(

I did get a 96% on my midterm though.
Yippy!!

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

I Should B explaining part 4

You will need to read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 before reading this post.

__________

It took me five dates before I talked about the truth about Bob.

 He was shocked.

He knew my family history and never thought i would be one of those people to repeat the cycle. I had always been strong willed and spoke my mind. He, Al, was right. I was like that. Somehow once i was in the house with Bob i became a victim. It was so gradual i never noticed it happening. He said he had a feeling there was more to the story but never thought that was it.

Ugh, he still didn't know about my IF :-(

Dates continued and we took it kind of slow. No kisses. No hand holding. Nothing.

I was still going through my divorce. I was still "married".

I did not want to rebound. I did not want to jump into something.

Al was a good guy. If I screwed this up it could affect our mutual friendships we had with people since HS. I did not want to get hurt again.

Then i realized fear was guiding me. I was not going to stand for that!

On our next day i dropped the IF bomb.

I told him EVERY DIRTY DETAIL.

I said if it is not something he can handle then it was fine. I would not hold it against him. If he did not want to fight the IF fight with me then there was no need to continue. We could end the date right then and there and go back to seeing each other in passing at friends' events.

I wanted children (for all the right reasons this time) and I was not going to let fear or anything stop me.

I would like to point out that we still had not kissed or anything at this point in our dating.

Al had lots of questions about PCOS, Endometriosis, and IF in general. I told him it all. He said he too would like kids and if it took IVF or whatever he was okay with that. He was thankful I was being honest.

Since that went well i thought I'd just keep going. I shared all my insecurities that had resulted from IF and Bob. i told him that i would more than likely struggle with anything IF related emotionally because of my past with Bob. It would not be easy.

Al said he wasn't going anywhere. :-)

We continued to go on dates after this. My fears were gone. or as gone as they could be.

It was a day in October that we held hands for the first time. i remember that day like it was yesterday. I felt like i was in middle school. I texted my little sister about it.

I do not remember our first kiss. But i will never forget the first time we held hands.

It was not until after my divorce was final in November that i was okay with sleeping with Al.

Things moved pretty quickly after that.

We took on the mindset of "if it ( pregnancy) happens it happens" in April

We moved in together in July.

Engaged in August

Married in December.

It has been 6 months to the day since we were married.


His strength throughout our TTC journey has been great. Not perfect because i do not need or want perfection. I have had many times where i flash back to times with Bob and how he reacted to things. It is both refreshing and wonderful that i do not have to worry about these things with Al.

I know i needed to experience what i did to be able to love and appreciate what Al and I have.

My IF journey has not been typical. But it has not stopped in over 3 years.

The emotions. fear and insecurities of being an infertile are with me daily. I am not always positive. I am not always able to think optimistically. Some days I cry more than i would like to admit. I cry because IF is hard. I cry because IF is not fair. I cry because in a way I am thankful for IF. I am thankful that it essentially tore apart an unhealthy marriage. The fear of it affecting this marriage is always there in the back of my head. I suppose the things Bob said and did to me always will be. But i do not let these fears control me. I share these fears with Al. together we work through them.

I know i was not meant to be with Bob or have a child with him.

I was meant to be with Al, my DH.

Al will be a wonderful father and I cannot wait for the day we will have a child of our own in our arms.

___

Thank you for reading my IF journey. It is not a traditional journey but it is mine.

This time around honesty is the route i have chosen. My doctors think it was the type of relationship that I was in that led to the miscarriage and unsuccessful cycles. Stress has a large affect on women's bodies. We are hopeful that with my weightloss, the right medications, and a healthy environment that a BFP is around the corner. It may not be easy but we are ready for the challenge.

Have a good day Bloggie world :-)

I Should B explaining part 3

You will need to read Part One and Part Two before reading this post.

Part three...



Living with Betty wasn't easy.

What was surprisingly easy was getting over Bob.

After that day in the hospital i did not shed another tear about it.

I took the whole situation rather well.

Once i knew we were over it was like any excuses and feelings I had about Bob just dissappeared. All i saw were the facts. The facts were that I do not think I really loved Bob. Not even the day we were married. What kept me going was fear.

Fear of change. Fear of being alone. Fear of not being wanted.

I had been lying to myself a long time.

Betty helped me come to the decision to go back to school.

Betty also thought i should start dating. I did not.

I knew i would never find someone that would want to be with an overweight infertile. Just like Bob said.

Betty set me up on blind dates. I went on them to be nice.

Just before my lap surgery an old friend from my high school days friended me on FB. I never accepted it for fear of Bob's reaction since this friend was a guy.

Two months after leaving Bob i accepted the request.

We FB messaged and decided to meet up to catch up as old friend do.

I was nervous. I mean it wasn't a "date" but this was a cute boy from HS. I had changed so much and looked awful. But i wanted to meet up.

He explained he had heard about everything (or so he thought) about me and Bob. We still had mutual friends and word travels. The last time he and I had any contact was over ten years ago. We had seen each other at friends BBQ's, baby showers, and wedding throughout the years. We both pretty much "knew" what has happened in each others lives.

After that day I KNEW i wanted to date this man. It was the first guy i had felt anything for. It was exciting.

Now how did i convince him he wanted to be with me???

We were texting one night (we did this often) and i decided to put myself out there. I had survived Bob. I could survive anything.

 I would not let fear control me as i had in the past.

I told him i would not hate it if we went on a date.

He didn't respond for almost 18 hours.

He said how about we go to the beach and hang out.

I was terrified. Nobody would want to see me in a bathing suit and then want to date me.

Betty disagreed

i spent days picking out the right outfit and going over what i would say.

 Do i tell him about Bob? Tell him I'm an infertile?

He showed up at my place and was wearing normal clothes. I asked him if we were still going to the beach. He said yes but just thought we could walk and talk.

We talked about everything except Bob and IF.

It was a great date.

______

okay wow!! this IS getting long!

Thanks for those still reading. I am sorry it is taking so long, but I want to get it all out there and never have to explain it again.







I Should B explaining part 2

To understand this post you will need to read Part One

before continuing I want to mention that I did have a friend that i confided in during the time i was with Bob. This friend, lets call her Betty. Betty helped me in more ways than i can thank her.

____

now to continue the explaining....


When i woke up from the lap the doctor was there (talk about luck).

He told me the surgery was a success.

However, they found some endometriosis. He did not see it being an issue since they removed it and did the drilling. I should be pregnant within at the most three months.

After the doctor left Bob held my hand and told me he was done.

 He was done with me.

 He was done with this IF crap.

He was done wasting money on something that wasn't going to work.

He was done.

He was in love with his girlfriend. He wanted to date her. He did not want to be attached to someone like me. How could any man want to be with a woman that is essentially not a woman since she cant even have children.

to say i lost it would not cover my reaction.

I laid there with tears streaming down my face.

My blood pressure and heart rate raised so quickly that my monitors started beeping.

The nurses came in and wanted to know what was wrong. I of course could not tell them the truth. I told them i didn't know and just didn't feel right

They would not release me from the hospital.

They were keeping me over night.

When they mentioned that Bob could not stay i had a panic attack.I knew if he left that room then my life as i knew it would be over and i would never see him again.I was terrified of the unknown. After the attack they let Bob stay.Bob was never one to appear to be a bad person to the public so he put on the doting husband attitude.It was the best i'd been treated by him in years.

I fell asleep.

I woke up and he was gone. I had another panic attack.The hospital kept me another night baffled at way my heart rate and blood pressure would not drop.

I was too embarrassed to tell them the truth.

Bob returned and said he and his girlfriend had packed up some of my stuff and it and my car were parked in the lot at the hospital. I was not to return to our place. i needed to find a new place to live and he left.

Yep another panic attack.

I called my mom. I did not tell her what had happened with Bob. I told her this surgery was scarier than i thought and i just wanted my mom to help me. Cause a girl just needs her mom sometimes.

After being in the hospital for three days from an surgery that was not supposed to keep me even one night. i was released.

I explained to my mom that Bob had to work. He could not take anymore time off from work for fear he would lose his job.

my mom was just happy to be needed.

I called Betty while my mom was asleep and explained everything. She knew this was coming she told me. She had a plan. Betty came and got my keys for my place with Bob. She called him and said she was coming to get my stuff. He gave he a window of time to pick it up the next day. I decided i needed to go with Betty. I needed the closure.

Betty arranged for a uhaul and a storage unit. She said after i was done recovering her and I would live together and she would help me get on my feet.

I did not have a job (Bob didn't like me to). I did not have my bachelors degree (Bob said it was student loans or a baby not both). I did not know how to survive (Bob handled the bills since it was his money). It was like all the knowledge i had before Bob was gone.

Betty put out a facebook blast for help with the moving.

It read something like this:

"need help ASAP. Cheating husband has kicked out my BFF to be with his girlfriend. We need to move her stuff out NOW. Please help! Address is...."

I was surprised at how many people showed up. People i had never met.

They wanted to take everything that wasn't nailed down. I wouldn't let them. I told them to leave stuff. I wasn't raised to be vengeful and I wanted to leave the marriage knowing i did not do anything hurtful or negative. I was not going to give him any ammo to use in the divorce.

He filed the divorce papers the next day,

I didn't fight it. I just wanted to be done and move on.
_____

this ends Part two.

I Should B explaining part 1

Recently I read a blog where the author mentioned she had only been trying for a few months and felt like she could not "fit in" with those women that have been ttc with IF for years.

I offered up advice that there was no one mold that each person had to fit in. That we are happy to pass on our experiences in hopes that it makes the next persons journey just a little easier. 

After posting that I realized something. 

I have never explained/shared my IF journey. 

To most people it only seems like we have only been trying for 6 months. This is both true and untrue. 

I will do my best to explain. 

THIS WILL BE A LONG POST. Maybe two posts ... Maybe three

This is not easy to share. 

This will be that hardest thing I've ever written and shared. 

--------


In 2006 I started dating a man. Let's call him Bob (not even close to his real name). Bob and I dated for a year before deciding to move in together. At that time in my life I did not want children. I was happily taking BCP. The relationship that Bob and I had was mostly full of good days. One day in 2008 we had a very bad day. I will spare you the awful details but it ended in a phone call to 911for I feared my life. I did not look my best after that day. I always swore I would never allow a man to lay a hand on me since I grew up in an abusive household. I told Bob we were over. I asked him to move out of our place. Watching him leave was heart breaking. About three hours after he left I wanted him back. There were more good days than bad. One lapse should not end all the good years we had together. He promised to never let it happen again and I let him move home. It was almost a year before it did happen again. I convinced myself that twice in three years really isn't too bad. In the house I grew up in it was a daily occurrence. After that episode I got it into my head that kids would solve the problem (I know! Stupid!). So I stopped my BCP and told Bob it was because they made me gain weight. He agreed I should lose weight as I was "getting too fat to love" ( yes he really said that). A few months later we decided that marriage would bind us together and any insecurities that either of us had would be  gone once it happened. There was no fancy proposal. Our families were over the moon excited. Neither of them knew the real kind of relationship we had. If I shared it then it meant it was real. I just "knew" that marriage and a baby would fix everything. Then I would have the perfect life. 

In 2010 we got married. By that point the episodes (no idea why i think this is a good term for abuse) had escalated with the added stress of a wedding. I just "knew" it would get better once the wedding was over because we would not be stressed. 

We were "lucky"enough to get pregnant just after the honeymoon. He never really wanted kids but was happy about it. There were no episodes. The verbal abuse was at its worse (fat, useless, unattractive) but it wasn't physical so that was "ok". I miscarried the baby at approximately ten weeks. I was alone in the bathroom when it happened. It was and is the worst experience i have ever lived through. 
At the insistence of my mother I went to the doctor to make sure I was ok.  

Turns out I wasn't 

I needed a D & C.

I did not want one and opted for medicine instead. 

I had a follow up appointment and that is when it all hit the fan. 

I had PCOS (after bloodwork and ultrasounds). I was handed a pamphlet and a referral to an RE and sent on my way. 

I was in shock!

Bob was at the appointment and didn't know what to think. Then after more research we figured it out. We were lucky to even get pregnant that first time. PCOS is not pretty. But I was optimistic that with an RE we would get pregnant in a few months. We did all the tests he was fine and I was the problem. 

It was my fault. 

This did not have a positive effect on the episodes and their frequency. 

The more we saw the RE the more the episodes tore me emotionally apart. I "knew" it was just the stress of ttc he really didn't mean it. 

He didn't mean it when he began sleeping with someone ten years younger than me. He told me he needed to have sex that isn't planned and just fun. I "understood" and let it be. After all if I got a baby then I don't care. A baby would never hurt me like Bob. A baby was my light at the end of this dark tunnel. 

I took metformin. It started to regulate my cycles. I took clomid and I ovulated.  I had an HCG (the dye that checks your tubes) and it came back normal. I expressed to my RE that "we" wanted a baby now. So aggressive measures were okay. A lap was planned to do ovarian drilling and check for endometriosis. 

During all this Bob and I were only having sex maybe twice a cycle and only when I begged. The stress of the money and treatments and miscarriage were piling up. 

I was an emotional wreck. 

The day of the lap I was nervous as it was my first surgery. Bob had been extra nice and sweet that week so I "knew" we would overcome IF and come out on top. 

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That concludes part one of this story. 

At this point it has been 9 months of dealing with an RE and all that entails.