Friday, December 27, 2013
I Should B a friend
I have read many blog posts, Facebook posts and comments about friendships in the IF world. Some are about how non-IF friendships don't work and some are where they do. This got me thinking about my friendships and how I feel about them. I don't have a lot of friends and that is okay. I have a small set of REALLY good friends and it works. I got to thinking about how with some of my friends we talk about my IF struggles and others I don't. I don't have any true close friendships with an IF. I've read and even written myself that nobody gets us IFers except other IFers. I thought would I want a friend who suffers from IF as well?
This is what I came up with. In no particular order.
Would I want to talk about IF every time I speak with this friend? I already think about my IF every moment of everyday. Would I want every moment of a friendship that way?
We would compare our IF struggles (maybe not openly but it probably would happen). It could start to feel like a competition. I don't want to be in a competition with a friend. Who will respond better to treatment? Who will get the BFP first and would the friendship survive it?
We would understand the unfairness of it all.
-No insurance coverage for infertility (angerly shakes fist).
-Can't drink because "maybe" this could be our cycle.
-No caffeine because it thins the uterian wall.
-The damn thermometer we use every morning.
-The multiple pills we take for various IF reasons.
-The stress over the timing of getting it all timed out.
- The frustrations over Timed Freaking Intercourse and how we think it is affecting or marriages/relationships.
- not remembering the last time we bought something for ourselfs because we need to save every penny for just a chance to have a child of our own.
Would a friendship survive all this? Would it be a friendship so close that we'd feel like sisters? Would it feel like a bad break-up when one of us has children and the other doesn't?
Mostly my thought is thatI don't want a friend that suffers though IF. Mainly because I wouldn't wish this dreadful experience on anyone. I cannot think of one positive from being infertile. NOT ONE!
I am beyond thankful for my IF friends that I've made after I found out about where I stand as far as having children is. It is nice to have people that "get it" but it sucks there are so many of us.
Today I am angry. Well to be honest I have been angry for 5 years. I am angry that we have to suffer (yes SUFFER) to have hope to have a child. It is exhausting how much we all hope and fall each cycle. I know some women are able to just accept that this is how their life is and not be angry about it. I wish I was one of them. I'm NOT.
I realize that a Fair is a place with a Ferris wheel and funnel cakes and Not life.
That doesn't change the fact that life isn't fair.
IF has become a huge part of my life. I am in support groups. I have this blog. I follow many other blogs. Every day I read about IF and live IF and I'm exhausted.
I thought about just unplugging from the IF world to give myself a mental time-out and I realized it would be like losing a friendship. I don't want to lose a friendship that I talk to each day. I already think about IF daily and unplugging from the IF internet world would not change that. At the same time I am tired and exhausted from thinking about IF all the time. UGH it is a vicious cycle.
When I started writing this post I did not intend for it to end this way. I planned in being positive. I guess I just don't have any positive left right now. I am in no way angry at or with other IFers. I'm just angry that we have to be infertile in the first place. I'm angry that I can't be Susie Sunshine all the time. I wish I knew how others did it. I wish it wasn't something I had to work for. And while I'm wishing for things... I wish I wasn't infertile
Posted by Heather S. @ I Should B ... at 11:54 AM