Sunday, July 7, 2013
I Should B taking deep breaths
I think I have reached my limit to stress.
School Stress = 15 credits (5classes) over the summer. Today I have 5 tests, 2 papers, and 2 homework assignments due (non of which I've started on)
IF Stress= TI and catching the surge. Temping each morning, POAS at least once if not twice a day to get a pos OPK, and did I mention TI?!? TI is stressing me to the brink. I was so upset about it one night I couldn't sleep. Not the in and out of sleep type but the wide awake kind.
House Stress= clean house, make dinner, laundry, grocery shopping.
DH Stress = I don't think he gets it some days.
Today the DH stress is upsetting me the most. I have altered my daily life drastically to make my body baby friendly. I've lost 35 pounds(and counting), I stopped drinking caffeine, I very rarely (maybe once a month) drink alcohol, I temp everyday, I take meds twice a day, I chart my cycle, and I steer clear of unhealthy/unfriendly foods for baby making and weight loss. I am the one that initiates the TI. I stress about TI getting boring so I try and spice it up but I really suck at it(laughably so).
Yesterday, as DH was getting his cup of coffee I mentioned how daily caffeine might need to be cut to increase our chances. He flat out said he didn't think that would happen. He needs that morning jolt. I mentioned how I have made all these changes in my life. Is he not willing to do the same? It is only fair as this does take two people. Granted he has stopped drinking alcohol at home and only goes to WoB on Tuesdays and drinks. We bought him vitamins and he says he takes them at work. I feel like I'm doing all this work and then some to get a BFP and he is just along for the ride. I believe this is mainly because he has not heard our infertility diagnosis himself (I'm just guessing and could be wrong). I found out my PCOS and IF diagnosis over three years ago before DH and I were together and married. I have gone to the doctors and heard the devastating news that conceiving will be very difficult. He has only heard this stuff from me. I don't know if he realizes the battle that we are truly up against. I could just be making this a bigger issue than it really is. I could be assuming too much about my DH's feelings ,but when we talk about this IF stuff he pretty much says the decisions are up to me since I know more about it. Ummm well I had to read and ask questions to learn. Ugh! I know this sounds like he isn't supportive and that isn't it either. He will go get OPKs or whatever for me if I ask. He will look at a pee stick and tell me if he sees a second line or whatever if I ask. But I have to ask for stuff.
I think I just had a light bulb moment.
The problem is ME.
I have done this TI, take meds, charting crap before. It led to a crappy marriage being crappier and ending in divorce. For me IF has been in my life for five+ years. Really it's been with me each month since I first got my period at 9yrsold. Each time I didn't get periods for months and then when I did get one the cramps were too painful to function.
My DH is really just getting his first taste of this. It is our 5th cycle of TI. Our 1st month on Clomid together.
While it feels like old news for me, I bet it feels new and scary for him.
I have a sense of urgency when associated with IF. I KNOW first hand that this IS NOT easy. I have lived it. I have seen others live it with varying outcomes. He has not. None of his friends deal with this stuff (if they do I don't think they talk about it).
I saw a book " What he can expect when she's not expecting" I wonder if I got it for him if he would read it. I bet it would help shed light on things. The reviews of the book are all positive. Has anyone had their DH read it?? I would love to hear from you.
Needless to say at the end of this VERY LONG post I feel better. Writing this helped me get my emotions in the right place.
I needed that "deep breath".
I know the emotional roller coaster of IF is not over. It may be months or years before the ride ends. Despite everything I am happy to have DH along for the ride.
Nobody has ever said IF is easy.
Thanks for sticking with me through the journey Bloggie world. Have a good day and good luck to you in whatever you are struggling with.
Posted by Heather S. @ I Should B ... at 4:52 PM