I Should B explaining part 4

You will need to read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 before reading this post.

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It took me five dates before I talked about the truth about Bob.

 He was shocked.

He knew my family history and never thought i would be one of those people to repeat the cycle. I had always been strong willed and spoke my mind. He, Al, was right. I was like that. Somehow once i was in the house with Bob i became a victim. It was so gradual i never noticed it happening. He said he had a feeling there was more to the story but never thought that was it.

Ugh, he still didn't know about my IF :-(

Dates continued and we took it kind of slow. No kisses. No hand holding. Nothing.

I was still going through my divorce. I was still "married".

I did not want to rebound. I did not want to jump into something.

Al was a good guy. If I screwed this up it could affect our mutual friendships we had with people since HS. I did not want to get hurt again.

Then i realized fear was guiding me. I was not going to stand for that!

On our next day i dropped the IF bomb.

I told him EVERY DIRTY DETAIL.

I said if it is not something he can handle then it was fine. I would not hold it against him. If he did not want to fight the IF fight with me then there was no need to continue. We could end the date right then and there and go back to seeing each other in passing at friends' events.

I wanted children (for all the right reasons this time) and I was not going to let fear or anything stop me.

I would like to point out that we still had not kissed or anything at this point in our dating.

Al had lots of questions about PCOS, Endometriosis, and IF in general. I told him it all. He said he too would like kids and if it took IVF or whatever he was okay with that. He was thankful I was being honest.

Since that went well i thought I'd just keep going. I shared all my insecurities that had resulted from IF and Bob. i told him that i would more than likely struggle with anything IF related emotionally because of my past with Bob. It would not be easy.

Al said he wasn't going anywhere. :-)

We continued to go on dates after this. My fears were gone. or as gone as they could be.

It was a day in October that we held hands for the first time. i remember that day like it was yesterday. I felt like i was in middle school. I texted my little sister about it.

I do not remember our first kiss. But i will never forget the first time we held hands.

It was not until after my divorce was final in November that i was okay with sleeping with Al.

Things moved pretty quickly after that.

We took on the mindset of "if it ( pregnancy) happens it happens" in April

We moved in together in July.

Engaged in August

Married in December.

It has been 6 months to the day since we were married.


His strength throughout our TTC journey has been great. Not perfect because i do not need or want perfection. I have had many times where i flash back to times with Bob and how he reacted to things. It is both refreshing and wonderful that i do not have to worry about these things with Al.

I know i needed to experience what i did to be able to love and appreciate what Al and I have.

My IF journey has not been typical. But it has not stopped in over 3 years.

The emotions. fear and insecurities of being an infertile are with me daily. I am not always positive. I am not always able to think optimistically. Some days I cry more than i would like to admit. I cry because IF is hard. I cry because IF is not fair. I cry because in a way I am thankful for IF. I am thankful that it essentially tore apart an unhealthy marriage. The fear of it affecting this marriage is always there in the back of my head. I suppose the things Bob said and did to me always will be. But i do not let these fears control me. I share these fears with Al. together we work through them.

I know i was not meant to be with Bob or have a child with him.

I was meant to be with Al, my DH.

Al will be a wonderful father and I cannot wait for the day we will have a child of our own in our arms.

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Thank you for reading my IF journey. It is not a traditional journey but it is mine.

This time around honesty is the route i have chosen. My doctors think it was the type of relationship that I was in that led to the miscarriage and unsuccessful cycles. Stress has a large affect on women's bodies. We are hopeful that with my weightloss, the right medications, and a healthy environment that a BFP is around the corner. It may not be easy but we are ready for the challenge.

Have a good day Bloggie world :-)