Friday, March 14, 2014

I Should B Coping

So, like many posts before this one, this post is about my emotions and infertility.

I have stated many times that IF is something to grieve over. We grieve over what could have been, finances, timing, friendships, loss and so much more. Each person deals with grief differently.

On most days, I am in the acceptance part of grief. I resort to humor to try to cover any other stages.

Just a few moments ago, while at work, a new employee grabbed my shoulders in a playful way. Being that I am married and am acting superviosr on some nights I do not feel that is appropriate and I informed him that I do not want to be touched. His response was along the lines of "pfft, I bet you don't have kids either because you don't have the instincts". I calmly responded with " Actually I'm infertile". He just stared at me in disbelief and shock. IF is not something I hide at work or really anywhere. If you ask then I tell. Most times I am fine. I can say "I'm infertile" and be fine. Today, I was fine with it. I said it and while there is always a pang in my heart about it. I was fine.

Until, this co-worker popped his head in my office later and just said "I'm sorry about earlier".

His small gesture has torn me down. I sit here typing with tears silently running down my face.

I think it is that he has had a response at all that is geting to me.

Most people don't know what to say and just change subjects. Every single time it is me that brings up my infertility. I know when to prepare the wall againist any emotions. I am "ready" to discuss it. Randomly being hit with the subject gets me everytime.

My friend tells me that I wouldn't have to worry about it if i would just keep it a secret. I never want to keep it a secret. IF needs awareness. It does not need to be swept under the rug and only talked about behind closed doors. People need to be aware that not everyone gets the kids they have always dreamed of. It sucks and life is NOT FAIR.

 However, that is not a reason to hide it.

Most people experience grief or loss when someone they care about has passed away. They are able to hold a funeral or service to say goodbye. They have a location they can go to drop off flowers and grieve when they are ready. While they may have some reminders of that loss it is not always with them.

My daily cramps remind me that I am infertile and have Endometriosis. I cannot walk away and come back when I am ready. My body is a constant reminder of my loss. I hate it.

Today, I want to cry, scream, yell and eat chocolate about the unfairness of IF and that the grief gets to me.

I think no matter how much time has passed my infertility is something I will always grieve over.

Bloggie World have some chocolate for me and even some for you because if i ate all the chocolate I feel like eating I would probably gain every pound back I've lost.

 While our lives may not be what we dreamt them to be they are lives and we need to live them.

Today I remind myself to live and be happy for what I DO have.



  1. I was reading this and asking myself why would someone bring up being a parent and having instincts? Maybe struggling has made me more sensitive, but seriously what a huge asshole. I am glad he apologized (as he should) but a little to late in the matter. I hope this makes him think before making possible insensitive remarks to people from now on. Sorry :(

  2. I too, was thinking what a jerk this guy was, but then he apologized. I'm so glad he realized his mistake. I'm sorry for the flood of emotions this guy brought out. I'm glad you are trying to remember the blessings you do have. Oh, and I ate some chocolate for you!