I Should B curled up

Curled up with a heating pad and a good book that is. 

Today marks CD1. 

I didn't think we timed last month right but a girl does have hope. It was a small amount of hope, but still hope nonetheless. 

This month we have a plan. I am NOT going to miss a single day for temping or OPKing. We WILL BD as much as we can to catch the surge.

 Hopefully, I will surge again this cycle. Hopefully, it is not another 49 day cycle. Hopefully, we will be successful. 

Hope is exhausting. 

You know what else is exhausting?

Composure. 

Being composed in certain situations is so difficult. I bet you want examples huh? 

It just so happens I have two examples right here. 

Example One:

My uncle just remarried three years ago. I was not invited to the wedding. I can only assume it was because I had just separated from my then husband and was an emotional wreck. I never asked why and because I am polite I never will. Plus, I might go off on them. I recently (5 months ago) married my DH. I invite my uncle and his wife. They rsvped and said they were coming. They didn't show up. They didn't call. They didn't text. They did not even send a carrier pigeon. Being the composed and polite person I am, I did not ask and probably never will. A little over a month ago they announced via FB they are having a baby. Two weeks ago I get an invitation to the baby shower. I being the polite and composed person that I am, rsvped that I would be there. This past weekend I went through their baby registry and I almost fell apart. I mean its not fair that when I get to browse baby things that it is for other people. I admit I am not as composed right now as I was then. Sitting with my DH analyzing their registry was heartbreaking. I didn't break down. I do not want to be a bitter infertile. I want to be happy for others. I have never felt as awful as I did going through their registry. I will admit I had a petty moment or two. Some of the stuff they picked out was hideous (at least to me and DH), this helped more than I care to admit. So, in two weeks I will go to a baby store and buy their gift. I will more than likely browse other things at the store in longing. I will most defiantly cry my car in the parking lot. However, at that shower I will be composed. I may wish it was me but either way a new life is coming into the world and I am thankful for that. I can guarantee I will fall apart after the shower because composure is exhausting. 

Example 2:

DH's cousin K and I have become close since I have been with him. I even watch her daughter when her and her husband do date nights or can't find a sitter. I love their daughter. Not once have I ever felt jealously or negative feelings associated with her. K has even been saving baby items at her place to pass on to DH and I when it is our turn. I absolutely love K for this. When I got a +opk she was just as excited as I was. She knows our struggles and is there with an ear when I need her. K is truly a good friend. Last Friday I watched K's daughter while they went out. Afterwards K and I talked. She mentioned that her and her husband were trying to have a sibling for their daughter. They have tried for 5 months and still nothing. She asked for my help. She asked me to show her the ropes of OPKs and charting. My heart sank. I was speechless. They originally told me they were saving the things from their daughter for me because they did not want another child. Now they have decided that siblings are important (I agree) and want one for their daughter. I showed her the ropes. Told her about FF , BBT and OPKs. I told her if she had any questions she could text me. She said she hoped she wouldn't have to because she could be pregnant now but is in her 2ww. Yep, you guessed it. My stomach dropped. I stayed composed. We talked about other things that night of course. One was an article I'd recently read where an infertile lost a friendship because she couldn't handle said friend being pregnant. K immediately said she is glad I'm not a bitter infertile. She is happy I'm so nice and can talk about these things. Again I was composed. I left K's house after chatting for four hours. I got in my car and I lost my composure. I drove with tears running down my face. The thoughts running through my head were too fast to comprehend. Mostly, I was hurt. If K gets pregnant I want to be happy for her. I want to be as good a friend as she is. I don't know how much composure I have or if it is enough. I do not want her to know how upset I am. I am not mad at her. I'm mad at me. I'm mad that I get hurt by this. I'm mad that I'm emotional about this. I'm mad that I don't think I'll be able to watch her tummy grow as mine doesn't. But of course I will be there as friends and family always are. I will keep my composure because I love my family and K is part of that. I love my friends and K is part of that as well. I know I'm not the first infertile to deal with these feelings and I know I won't be the last. I do know that these feelings suck! And composure is more exhausting than running a 5k. 

Speaking of a 5k. 

My first official 5k is Saturday. It isn't a timed one or anything but it is important to me. Ugh, I just realized AF will be with me during it :-( I'm sure that will be fun. Lol

I am now going to take time to curl up with a book(non school related) and a heating pad. I hope these cramps subside before I have class later. 

Thanks for reading my ramblings today bloggie world.

 I hope your day is fantastic.